I had an argument with one of my classmates back in medical
school. We were arguing over the subject of the “broken heart.” His argument:
to take the risk and fall frequent into love, that the resultant broken heart
is part of life/a right of passage. My argument: to guard the heart,
nonsensical to dive into something going no where and destined to end in a
broken heart. That argument has stayed
very vividly in my memory as I thought I was going to live this life and prove
my argument right! Foolishness! “What a fool I was, what an
addlepated fool. What a mutton-headed dote was I”
I just spent some time googling “heart break, broken heart,
etc” in an effort to find some inspiring words to lead into not so inspiring of
a topic. It didn’t take long and I realized that, other than Eliza Doolittle’s,
no words but my own would suffice.
It’s that time of year again. Match time. No match to report
this year. I’m really beginning to develop a strong dislike for the month of
March. Thankfully I knew that I wasn’t going to match this year, and therefore
when the email came at 12:00 on Monday I was not surprised. I’ve had some time
to prepare; started many months ago when I started asking those involved in my
own residency for advice. The very first Attending I talked to about it immediately
laughed in my face. The idea of me continuing in surgery was comical to him. I
stared him down, waited for him to regain his composure, and we continued on
with the conversation. Thankful to say all subsequent conversations have not
been a repeat of the first, but hard to forget something like that. But if
nothing else it first prompted me to prepare for this reality. Reality that this path will most likely not
end with surgery. Another fork in the
road is approaching in the next couple of years and this time I fear the
direction marked “Surgery” will be closed off.
A line of people in suits and long white lab coats standing shoulder to
shoulder. With the love and passion
invested in this work and these people, the idea of their absence… it’s breaking.
my. heart.
I think back to my naïve argument that somehow we can
prevent heart break. I’m almost embarrassed to think of it now, and must
concede to my classmate that a broken heart is part of life and in its own way,
yes, a right of passage. I look to Jesus
as my example of love...
Isaiah 53:3-4 “He is
despised and rejected of men; a man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: and
we hid as it were our faces from him; he was despised, and we esteemed him
not. Surely he hath borne our griefs,
and carried our sorrows: yet we did esteem him stricken, smitten of God, and
afflicted.”
Mark 15:12-14 “And Pilate answered and said again unto them,
What will ye then that I shall do unto him whom ye call the King of the
Jews? And they cried out again, Crucify
him. Then Pilate said unto them, Why,
what evil hath he done? And they cried out the more exceedingly, Crucify him.”
Mathew 27:31 “And after that they had mocked him, they took the robe off
from him, and put his own raiment on him, and led him away to crucify him.”
Luke 9:23 “And he
said to them all, If any man will come after me, let him deny himself, and take
up his cross daily, and follow me.”
Despised, rejected, mocked and crucified by the very ones He
loved. He carried my sins to the cross
for me even before I loved Him back. Who better to understand a broken heart
than Jesus? Perhaps this is now my cross to carry for a while.
There is a fourth year medical student completing a
sub-internship with us in the TICU this month. Monday did not bring happy news
for him. I wanted to reassure him, hug him and tell him everything would be
fine. But I recognized the look on his
face, and instead I told him to go home. And as the day progressed he wasn’t
the only other with unfortunate news. My heart breaks anew for each one of my
friends. I wish I had residencies to give them. I wish I could take that look
from their faces and trade it for a smile.
I wish I could make it better for them.
This is merely the next step. I love you. Jesus loves you.
Psalm 113:3 “From the rising of the sun unto the going down
of the same the Lord’s name is to be praised.”
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