Estoy responsable.

I got home from the hospital this morning and decided I'd fix myself a cup of coffee.  Try to blaze on through the day as it's time to switch back to days again; better that I sleep tonight rather than right now.

And now I sit down to say that residency.......is everything that you've ever heard. It's all true.  All of which I knew before.  I knew it to be true before.  But there is one thing that is never factored in when it's talked about.  Although it is possible, that I choose to ignore it.  I stuffed it in the back of my brain and choose to leave it there.  It's the responsibility.  Everything I do at the hospital leaves a mark.  My every action can be tracked.  My every action IS tracked.  They need to know who is responsible.  They need to know who to blame.  I never factored in dealing with the responsibility.

That, however, is not the reason for my lack of relating any anecdotes of my days/nights....at the hospital. It is, instead, my inexperience preventing me from categorizing what is happening.  What should I laugh at? What I should be upset about? How do I move on from this or that?  Really, just how do I deal? And then extrapolating from that....deducing what gets to be posted to the world wide web.

A week ago, Friday night, two of my co-interns (Bravo and Dzeba) and I got together after work.  The three of us kind of hit it off during orientation.  In a way, I think we already knew at that point that we would need each other.  Friday night was the first time we'd made the effort to hang out since residency started.  We sat in Dzeba's living room until about 4am talking.  VENTING. Not out of a desire to be malicious and not to complain.  But venting to release.  And this is going to sound very dramatic, but in a way, venting to survive. (In the book, The House of God, one of the interns tries to handle it alone.  He jumps off the roof of the hospital.)

Now.  After I've said that.  How do I end on a brighter note? :)

It's amazing.  It all is.  I am incredibly humbled that I get to be doing this.  I know that no matter what faces me this year, there is a source of Love that is greater than it all.  A Love unending and offered freely to me.  On which I can rely eliminating the need to rely on myself alone.  I just can't stop smiling sometimes.  I can even get the grumpiest nurse to smile back....sometimes.  She's NOTORIOUSLY grumpy. ;)

Much Love.

P.S. I know I referred to The House of God.  I am in no way endorsing that book.  It's an awful book.