Estoy diciendo adios.

I leave tomorrow for Togo. Tomorrow is the beginning of the rest of my life. It is time to start climbing my next mountain. If I'm honest, I am a bit apprehensive to find out just what the learning curve these next few months is going to look like. But as long as the whiplash doesn't leave any lasting complications, I know I'll be just fine. With Jesus at the wheel, any turn is maneuverable no matter high tight. 

While on assignment I will be blogging from a different platform. For stories, happenings and pictures from Togo and any/all future assignments I invite you to visit Hands of Love 

I will keep Yo estoy... for my own personal use. 

Happy New Year Everyone! I wish you peace and joy in 2023.

Much Love.

P.S. For a few laughs, my roommates and I completed the blind/deaf/mute baking challenge. We chose to make macaroons since it was something none of us had made before, nor knew how to make. Nicole is mute and the only one to be able to read the recipe. Heather is blind and the primary baker. I am deaf (had noise cancelling earbuds + music in my ears) and am the interpreter for Heather from Nicole. 

Estoy tomando cafe.

 We had family photos taken back in September this year. I'm finally getting around to posting them. If you need a smile check out the last one; it's my favorite!

  

 Absolutely love this one. 

Much Love.

Merry Christmas

 Warm wishes to you and yours this Holiday season. 

May you be blessed with joy and happiness today and everyday. 

Thanking Jesus for His gift of love to me, to you and to the world.

We got together for a roommate Christmas picture this year to send to our West Lafayette family. And as is typical, there were multiple failures before a winner. 

Attempt at yoga poses. I'll be honest, this live action, unposed and spontaneous photo was my true favorite of all that we took that evening. 

We had dressed up as each other for our picture. L to R: I had dressed up as Nicole, a Speech and Language Pathologist for Wea Ridge Elementary school district, Heather dressed up as me, and Nicole dressed up as Heather, an Entrepreneur including but not limited to Photographer, Fashion Designer and Social Media Manager.

We attempted acting out each other's roles. 

We have a winner! (It ended up being literally the very first photo of the whole photo shoot)

Merry Christmas!

Estoy en el hospital.

 There's a blizzard outside. Fitting that I'm snowed into the hospital tonight. All last winter, without fail, the snow came when I was covering call. Spent many nights at the hospital. Makes me very thankful the hospital has warm call rooms for just such an occasion. When I realized a winter storm was due to hit my last call of the year, my last call before going to Togo, I felt a combination of disappointment and defeat mixed with amusement. Disappointment and defeat at letting go of my hope that I would make it out of the cold before having to drive in snowy conditions, and the amusement at the timing. Of course it comes when I'm on call. C'est la vie. 

The last two weeks have been very busy, and it makes me anxious for Christmas. I've been covering call at the hospital 7 of the last 11 days. I've been preparing to move to another country. And I've been getting ready for the Holidays. When my flight home from Guadalajara was delayed two weeks ago, and I didn't land in Chicago until 5:12am when I was supposed to start call at 7:00am, I'll admit I worried for a second. But then the second passed, and I put it behind me, picking up my pace and pushing the gas peddle maybe a smidge too much. Made a quick stop at the house only to grab my pager, and made it to the hospital by 8:00am on the dot. My partner only had to cover an hour for me. Whew! But even more amazing than that was my ability to rest despite the craziness of the two weeks. I learned years ago to be able to grab sleep when possible while on call. However, sleep on call is never restful. You can function better with the sleep definitely, but its not the same as resting when your subconscious is not constantly keeping itself ready. For example, a smart watch can rate the quality of sleep for an individual. If I sleep while on call, it usually registers my sleep quality as in the 50s - 60s. But this week, I would wake up from grabbing sleep on call and actually feel rested. It was amazing and allowed me to focus and continue working through my long To Do List on those 4 days when I wasn't on call. Made me so appreciative of how well my Father in Heaven knows me, and cares about the little things. 

Had two different parties this week. Seems like a lot of people want to celebrate that I'm leaving...

Monday, the office had a carry-in. The spread was Mexican food, and it was so so good. Brought my guacamole. I didn't get a picture on Monday but here is a picture from the Lafayette Surgical Clinic Christmas party from a few weeks ago. My case that day had run very late, and I was tired. If I had gone home to change, I probably would not have gone, in all honesty. 

All of our Surgical Techs L to R: Ruthie, MacKenzie, me, Jody, Bailey, Tish

And then Wednesday we had a Christmas/Going Away party. They definitely know me well after just 1.5 years at the West Lafayette church. Other than the sign and balloons, no one actually said or did anything for me. There was food, and a Christmas gift exchange game, and then good conversation. Conversation that even I enjoyed and participated in. You can be impressed, my roommates definitely were. Towards the end of the evening, they kept checking with me to make sure I was still doing okay and my relational circuits hadn't grinded to a halt yet. 

First row L to R: Grant Heinold, Aaron Adrian, Tianna Huber, Heather Gerber, Callie Furrer, Julie Lanz.  Middle row L to R: Natalia Adrian, Andrew Huber, Andrea Furrer, me, Nicole Baumann.  Back row L to R: Hope Young, Tyler Tonner, Anne Heinold, Austin Roe, Jake Bowerman

I am very thankful to be able to go to Togo, and to wherever next the Lord leads. I am also incredibly thankful and so blessed to have such wonderful people here in Lafayette that I can always look forward to returning to for intermittent work months in between.

Much Love. 

Estoy a hogar.

 Eight years. It had been eight long years since last I was in Ixtlan, Mexico. At least in my defense I can semi blame COVID, as I had originally planned to visit in 2020, which we all know what happened to travel plans back then. But still, to my family in Ixtlan, I'm sorry. I should have visited sooner.

I drove that distance between Guadalajara and Ixtlan too many times to count in the four years that I lived there. I'd say it's that type of drive where you sometimes miss which landmarks you've passed, and all of a sudden you're at your destination. But I'd know that to not be honest about Mexican driving.  In Mexico you've got to pay attention at all times, otherwise you'll ram full speed into that next tope. May or may not be speaking from experience there. Despite knowing that route like the back of my hand, I still found myself a bit apprehensive returning and wondering just how much in 8 years it had changed and if I'd still know the way. Turns out, I had absolutely no reason to be apprehensive. It came flooding back as we made our way towards Ixtlan. Every turn, every sign, every tope, every roadside stand and every town we passed through was the same. By the time we turned down cinco de mayo and made our way home, I had that comfortable sensation that feels like kicking your shoes off, or drinking water from the garrafon, or walking down the middle of the street giving way to the goats and greeting everyone with a friendly "adios". Thankful for a few days that I was able to spend in Ixtlan de los Hervores this past week.

Sunset from the balcony of Bethesda. Good night world.

Outing in Zamora with Issa and Lupita.

Shopping in Zamora.

Passing through the plaza in Zamora. 

Tacos. yes please! Nothing quite so good as Mexican street tacos. 

 

Joel was willing to be my buddy. His sister Amelia wasn't quite so sure. (Lupita's littles).

Heading out for a morning bike ride.

Through the campos beyond Ixtlan, through Limon, Plaza del Limon and all the way to Valenciano

Issa humored me when I asked for a photo break.

Heading back to Ixtlan

Initially passed this home without a second thought. Then stopped and turned back to take a picture of Mexican ingenuity, literally using stacks of bricks and 2x4's precariously nailed together to support the balconey being constructed above.

It's dry season in Ixtlan right now. More than a few people commented on how brown everything is right now. But the bougainvilleas on the side of the church illustrate what "dry" and "brown" in Mexico is considered. Just imagine their rainy green season!

 

I got to go up to the secundaria and help a couple of days with their practice for the Christmas program.

Loved getting to know the Gerber family better. Their oldest Caleb was a toddler when I left and Abby a baby when I visited in 2014. Grabbed a photo quick with Abby and Suzy during kid's club on Friday evening. 

Girl's afternoon out at El Kuri for seafood. Issa & Lupita.

Afternoon from the top of the stairs

Sunset from the top of the stairs. All week long they were burning the fields. And of course skies clear all week long except the one evening I want to photograph the sunset.

Sunrise from Bethesda

Issa & Cecy

 

  

Elsa, Issa & Lupita

 

Much Love.

Estoy preparando salir.

 The PA system of a hospital is a type of paging system. Just loud and very public rather than the direct individual signal to the small black box on my waistband that sets off the pavlovian chain reaction of acute tachycardia, tachypnea, and mydraisis. Perhaps the most common overhead page announced at the hospital is "Sepsis Alert. ED. Now." and for some reason it gets me almost every time. I hear "Dr. Stoller. ED. Now." I pause and wait for the repeat; wondering what could be so emergent they didn't bother to shoot me a page and opted to just announce it to the whole hospital. On the repeat, it inevitably is Sepsis not Stoller, and I go about my business wondering how on earth I keep getting those two mixed up. 

 Then, the other morning I was walking outside the ED and passed one of our Anesthesiologists who made a quip about "getting to the ED now!" And then asked me what the emergency had been. Confused I responded as such. To which he pointed out I had been overhead paged to the ED about 30 minutes prior. Realization sunk in when it dawned on me the only overhead page that morning had been a sepsis alert to the ED, approximately 30 minutes prior. I am not, therefore, crazy for hearing Stoller instead of Sepsis. Nor the only one to hear it. Always good to know we are not alone.

For the past two months I've been slowly trying to make a graceful exit from the practice in order to go to Togo without leaving my partners more work than their own. I stopped accepting new referrals in October. However, due to the holidays and the time I took surrounding the oral boards, I find I'm still running up to the wire trying to find a place to squeeze everyone in. In addition, multiple of my patients are recently requiring additional follow up. Follow up which I can not provide for them. It makes me feel like a jerk each time. For example, "sorry, you've got cancer. see ya!" Granted, I am much more empathetic with my delivery and I do provide them the referrals they need and support as appropriate. But still, makes me feel like a jerk (and that's putting it nicely). No matter how "graceful" of an exit I attempt. This role is not one that by it's nature provides for any sort of delicate exit.

Much Love.

Estoy trabajando.

 Life feels good right now. One of my biggest problems currently is deciding to go with either my usual OR playlist or leave it and play some Christmas music in the OR.

It feels good to be able to go to the hospital and just enjoy my work, without a voice in the back of my head yelling they'd rather be studying. 

It feels good to check things off my To Do List that has been in a perpetual state of growth these past few months as I repeatedly prioritized studying rather than pretty much anything else. Makes me feel productive, which is a really good feeling.

It feels good to finally answer a few questions about Togo and focus on my preparations for moving there in a few weeks. I've started learning French. Oui, Merci, Aujourd'hui and the like. I've also been taking my friend's dirt bike out occasionally as I'm told it will be my primary mode of transport. I'll be honest not the most graceful when it comes to dirt bikes. The first time out I sent myself over the handlebars and came away with some nice road rash. And since then, in what may actually be the most embarrassing moment of my life, I somehow managed to run into a building! In my defense, it was a smaller area and as I was attempting to tighten my turn, turned the handlebars, but simultaneously pulled on the throttle sending both the bike and me shooting forward. But no matter how I try to explain it, doesn't cover up the fact that I managed to hit a very large stationary object. Watch out Togo!

It also feels good to freely get out and socialize a bit again. 

Loved visiting with my Beer family. Reg & Bev and their troupe.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lainey & Colton

 

So much to be Thankful for this year at Thanksgiving. It was my holiday to cover call at the hospital. So Andrea & Callie Furrer made a feast of Korean chicken, noodles & bok choy with peanut sauce, cesar salad, and smashed potatoes and brought it to me. And then our young professional group had a Friendsgiving on Sunday. So lots of festivities and celebration of thanks.

Much Love.

Estoy sin palabras.

 I can not find the words to describe how I am feeling right now. But my chest feels like it's going to burst. Not with pain or heaviness; it's the lightest and brightest as if without this mortal body tying it to the earth, I'd up and float away. Dancing on the breeze. I'll cheat and borrow some words from Needtobreathe.

Your love is like radiant diamonds
Bursting inside us we cannot contain
Your love will surely come find us
Like blazing wild fires singing Your name

God of mercy sweet love of mine
I have surrendered to Your design
May this offering stretch across the skies
And these Halleluiahs be multiplied

 

I've never been on this side of the oral boards before. I am a board certified general surgeon. With Christ, we can do hard things. And now, I give it back. It always was, and always will be for Him. So I'll say it again. 

May this offering stretch across the skies
And these Halleluiahs be multiplied

 

Much Love.

Estoy recuperando.

 True as the steady turning of the earth and the sun rising every morning, we can always count on time passing. What was once the future, is, and then in a blink was. Just like my time to stand for my oral boards 2.0. The time came and past last Friday. 

After not passing last year, I started down a path to answer for myself why. No feedback is given from the American Board of Surgery, and therefore without any concrete goals to set for myself it was a journey that started without any particular direction. 

Always a safe stable answer that I can count on; I could always study more. I went back to the drawing board, starting with the NCCN guidelines on cancer management and picked through them filling multiple notebooks with notes and algorithms. 

At the same time, what was unstable, unsafe maybe even daring, was my discernment to finally admit to myself I was afraid of speaking and to try to address this. Denial was such an easier way to live. But, even more important than speaking clearly and passing oral boards was the fact that I was finally on the cusp of joining my colleagues on the mission field. A place were keeping my head down and doing my job would not be enough. Actions of love would have to be accompanied with words of love, and therefore I decided to leave denial behind. I spent the last year with a coach to focus on strengths, skills and joy. I dutifully made my goals, did my assignments, and waited for my fear to dissipate. Maybe naively. But I waited for it nonetheless, at times even asking God why I couldn't have an "Aaron" like Moses got an Aaron to speak for him. Up until about a month ago I had waited, until I knew I would have to change my attitude and accept my fear in order to move past it. 

A benefit of this journey, has been the new pair of shoes I got to walk in. Like most new pairs of shoes, it was never a pair I would have chosen for myself. I now have an appreciation for the large population that struggle with anxiety. As I wait for my results, true to my nature, I keep replaying the scenarios I was presented with and having had time to think about them can better elucidate the steps I should have taken, and the responses I should have given. I prepare myself for failure once again, and the anxiety of having to face oral boards yet again unsure of what more I can do different to prepare is enough to cause my adrenal glands to flood my veins with adrenaline. The natural "fight or flight" response the body manifests to protect prey from predators, instead is out of control and running amuck. A feeling I can only best describe like I'm being choked by my own anxiety. And I'll admit, makes me contemplate going back to denial, so much easier.

In the end, no matter where this road will take me, I know that God is good. I know that I'll be fine. And I know that I'll keep speaking whether I'm afraid or not, because Jesus is worthy and has not called us to silence. 

Much Love.

P.S. Lord willing I will be going to Togo beginning of 2023 in the capacity as a general surgeon to work for a few months. More details to follow as I finally can transition to preparations since oral boards are done.

Estoy agradecida por las espinas

 I've heard non-runners use the look of pain displayed on a runners face as their reason for not running. I actually think of it often and take care to smile or at least keep my face relaxed while I run so as not to ever let anyone use me, for whatever reason, as their reason to not run. 

Well, to anyone who ever thought runners looked like they hated what they were doing.... This is what a very happy mediocre runner looks like.

There's actually a story behind that picture. It wasn't random that I had a ridiculous grin sprinting down the middle of that road. The photo was snapped as runners approached the finish line of the Purdue Half Marathon. It was a beautiful morning, about 60 degrees, perfect for running. I was eager to see if my new and improved hemoglobin level was going to reflect in my time. I actually had a slow start, but thankfully realized it soon enough that by mile two I was starting to pull up to where I wanted to be. About that time I passed an older gentleman in a green shirt, huffing and puffing already at mile two and barely picking up his feet. It was more of a shuffle than a run really.  I had noted him and then promptly forgot as I pushed ahead. It was but a few miles later and I hear a quick slap, slap, slap of a runner at my 5 o'clock. A bit boggled at a runner announcing themself in such an obnoxious way I quick checked, and about tripped at the recognition of that same green shirt, covering his too big belly. For some odd reason, whether his shuffling gate, the way he led with his belly, or the way his tread proclaimed his approach, I took a strong distaste to his presence and pushed myself ahead. But then I'd hear it again. Coming up on my 5 o'clock, "slap, slap, slap" with a huff and a puff. I'd push ahead, refusing to let him pass me. But he'd always show up again, stuck to my 5 o'clock like icing on a cupcake. I couldn't shake him. Around mile 12 came a huge hill, running into the wind, and I finally thought I had my chance. I pushed it up that hill passing many, trying to encourage some to start running again, not daring to look back to check if I'd lost my shadow. And I didn't hear him for a bit... until I did again. slap, slap, slap, huff, puff. No way, I was determined and pushed it even harder. The last quarter mile was down hill, I had lost sound of the slap, slap, slap and as I sprinted for the finish line 2 things happened. 1) Nicole, Andrea and Callie (who had participated in the 5K) saw me and started loudly cheering  2) I saw the time clock at the finish line and was well under what my goal had been. The result, one very happy mediocre runner.

The point of that story is of course the annoyance at my 5 o'clock. All I had wanted was for him to go away. To let me run in peace. But in the end, he had pushed me beyond what I would have been able to do on my own. I ran a personal record. 

He found me in the crowds at the finish line. He had to let me know he wasn't a stalker, and then he thanked me for setting such a good pace. He had a great race. I had a great race. 

L to R: Heather (half), Callie (5K), Andrea (5K), Dave (half), Nicole (5K), me (half)

Andrea had told Dave to put his banana down for the picture.

On a side note, definite benefit to having oral review in audio format, I can run and study at the same time. But it was definitely clear throughout the race that I prefer to run with music in my ears rather than hemorrhagic pancreatitis, pelvic fractures and papillary thyroid carcinomas. Running is more of a decompression for me, which doesn't work too efficiently if I'm just studying the whole time. Anything for a season.

Much Love.

 

Estoy ansiosa.

 Finishing call this morning felt really good. As the past weeks have skipped and tripped by I have felt my anxiety level slowly creeping up. The oral boards are in a few weeks, and despite another year of experience, another year of studying, and many months working with a coach on speaking, I still feel as unprepared as ever. It hoovers, making it difficult to focus, and making it that much more difficult to enjoy my work. I'd rather be studying, and yesterday was my last call until after the boards Nov 11. Have to admit, feel a little relief.

I am thankful I was not made for this test, but rather what is beyond this test. It's perhaps my own pride that pushes me to take and pass the oral boards. Or my own subconscious need for security, knowing that as a board certified surgeon, I could then always rely on having a safe job here in the States. But maybe this oral test is ment to forever be my humility, and only God knows where this will take me. All I know, is I am thankful.

Last weekend marked another year here on this Earth for myself. Was rather embarrassed when I realized I had to calculate my age from my birth year, because for approximately the past 6 months I had already thought I was 37. Very twilight-zone-ish to be 37 and then realize you're only turning 37.....

One blessing about roommates, they help provide balance. 

Nicole's cousin, Priscila, from Canada visited this past weekend, so I had ample enjoyment out of my birthday weekend. I am blessed.

Beautiful fall weather on Charles St. 

 

It's not just shaved ice. It's not just ice cream. It's both. And it's more. It's Bingsoo.

Priscila, Nicole, Heather, me

 Sunday stroll on the Wabash Heritage Trail

 

 When with Argentinians, it's never an inappropriate time to drink mate.

When you try to take a group picture and then realize just how late you stayed chatting at the Beef House.

Parking lot lights to the rescue! Me, Amber, Kaleigh, Kara, Callie

Gray is still beautiful on Charles St.

Much Love.

 

Last but not least, tradition for my birthday.