True as the steady turning of the earth and the sun rising every morning, we can always count on time passing. What was once the future, is, and then in a blink was. Just like my time to stand for my oral boards 2.0. The time came and past last Friday.
After not passing last year, I started down a path to answer for myself why. No feedback is given from the American Board of Surgery, and therefore without any concrete goals to set for myself it was a journey that started without any particular direction.
Always a safe stable answer that I can count on; I could always study more. I went back to the drawing board, starting with the NCCN guidelines on cancer management and picked through them filling multiple notebooks with notes and algorithms.
At the same time, what was unstable, unsafe maybe even daring, was my discernment to finally admit to myself I was afraid of speaking and to try to address this. Denial was such an easier way to live. But, even more important than speaking clearly and passing oral boards was the fact that I was finally on the cusp of joining my colleagues on the mission field. A place were keeping my head down and doing my job would not be enough. Actions of love would have to be accompanied with words of love, and therefore I decided to leave denial behind. I spent the last year with a coach to focus on strengths, skills and joy. I dutifully made my goals, did my assignments, and waited for my fear to dissipate. Maybe naively. But I waited for it nonetheless, at times even asking God why I couldn't have an "Aaron" like Moses got an Aaron to speak for him. Up until about a month ago I had waited, until I knew I would have to change my attitude and accept my fear in order to move past it.
A benefit of this journey, has been the new pair of shoes I got to walk in. Like most new pairs of shoes, it was never a pair I would have chosen for myself. I now have an appreciation for the large population that struggle with anxiety. As I wait for my results, true to my nature, I keep replaying the scenarios I was presented with and having had time to think about them can better elucidate the steps I should have taken, and the responses I should have given. I prepare myself for failure once again, and the anxiety of having to face oral boards yet again unsure of what more I can do different to prepare is enough to cause my adrenal glands to flood my veins with adrenaline. The natural "fight or flight" response the body manifests to protect prey from predators, instead is out of control and running amuck. A feeling I can only best describe like I'm being choked by my own anxiety. And I'll admit, makes me contemplate going back to denial, so much easier.
In the end, no matter where this road will take me, I know that God is good. I know that I'll be fine. And I know that I'll keep speaking whether I'm afraid or not, because Jesus is worthy and has not called us to silence.
Much Love.
P.S. Lord willing I will be going to Togo beginning of 2023 in the capacity as a general surgeon to work for a few months. More details to follow as I finally can transition to preparations since oral boards are done.
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