I thought I just never fully woke up today. The second cup of coffee didn't even succeed in bringing my brain out of the flat place that exists somewhere in my psyche.
But it wasn't tiredness per se. It is instead a single problem that I can't let go of. Some of my patient's are sick.
My chief has been on vacation for the past week. So I've been alone with my list of patients and in between consults am doing my best to take care of them. I guess it would be incorrect to say
I've been "alone" as for the most part the Thoracic Surgery Attendings are amendable to any phone call or text.
So I go over my patient's medication lists. Lab work. Chest X-rays. Intake and Output. Vital signs. Supplemental oxygen need. Ambulation status. Consult recommendations. And when I've gone through it all... I go through it again.
And then I still stand there, the family in tears asking me why... and I have nothing to tell them.
So I come home and open my books hoping to find a light switch to some hidden light bulb. It is this perpetual churning, perseverating, on the idea that I need to find what I'm missing, find the answer that has created within me a strange sort of disconnected tiredness.
My grandpa's prayer has kept playing in the back of my mind today, "...convalescing in the home, old age, whatever their lot may be. Give them the healing power..."
Much Love.
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