Estoy conduciendo en un donut.

I have a question.
Just how many flat tires in a life time is normal?
Because I feel like I have a lot. Like a lot, a lot, a lot.
And I would really just like to know...
What is normal?

This one happened Saturday afternoon on my way home from my errands. The annoying thing about changing a tire for me personally is the fact that I am not very strong.  In order to finally get the lug nuts loose I had to wedge myself between pulling towards myself with my arms and pushing away from myself with my foot on the lug wrench. I didn't look up even once, just pretended that the Whoosh... Whoosh... Whoosh... was just the wind and not countless drivers staring at me as they whizzed by in their cars. Finally got the donut on and headed straight for the tire shop I usually go to. Called another on my way just in case. No luck. Everyone was closed.  So I guess I get to find out if the donut will suffice for a whole week.

I guess I shouldn't be so dramatic.  Thinking back there were two in undergrad. Two in medical school. Now two since moving to New York. 6 over the past 12 years. On average 1 every other year.

But really, is that normal?

Much Love.

Estoy atrapada.

Rank listing was due today at 9pm EST. Options for me this year Anesthesiology or General Surgery.
Arguments back and forth. Pros and Cons lined up, neither willing to give way. Feelings involved reaching everywhere from betrayal to guilt to undeserving. It's one of those conversations between Jesus and myself. We had the same conversation just about every night over the past months. It really never varied too much... it really never varied at all. And now its past.

Today gave me a headache. Walked in the apartment at 8:53pm, fired up my computer and pulled up the NRMP website to certify my rank list. It was 8:58pm and the web page finally appeared. I then closed my eyes. Squeezed them shut.

When I opened them again it was 9:00pm. Decision by lack of action.

A few weeks ago I had taken the time to certify a preliminary rank list, just in case this very thing happened. (just in case, I procrastinated making an official decision until it was too late and then I don't make it home from work in time.) Because logging in at 8:58 would not have been enough time to create and certify a rank list.

You'd think I'd be used to waiting by now. Lots of waiting. Yet still I am impatiently wishing it was March already so I could just finally know what God has up His sleeve for the next short step of my life.

Much Love.

Estoy cansada.

I thought I just never fully woke up today. The second cup of coffee didn't even succeed in bringing my brain out of the flat place that exists somewhere in my psyche.

But it wasn't tiredness per se.  It is instead a single problem that I can't let go of. Some of my patient's are sick.

My chief has been on vacation for the past week. So I've been alone with my list of patients and in between consults am doing my best to take care of them. I guess it would be incorrect to say
I've been "alone" as for the most part the Thoracic Surgery Attendings are amendable to any phone call or text.

So I go over my patient's medication lists. Lab work. Chest X-rays. Intake and Output. Vital signs. Supplemental oxygen need. Ambulation status. Consult recommendations. And when I've gone through it all... I go through it again.

And then I still stand there, the family in tears asking me why... and I have nothing to tell them.

So I come home and open my books hoping to find a light switch to some hidden light bulb. It is this perpetual churning, perseverating, on the idea that I need to find what I'm missing, find the answer that has created within me a strange sort of disconnected tiredness.

My grandpa's prayer has kept playing in the back of my mind today, "...convalescing in the home, old age, whatever their lot may be. Give them the healing power..."

Much Love.

Estoy frio.

I came home on Valentine's Day after my 24 hour call to find that God had decorated my little apartment all nicely-icely.

Though I appreciated how pretty He had made it look, it felt not quite as nice.

It prompted me to go back through my blog and find this picture...

 Taken one very cold winter down in Mexico. Add another down blanket and it would come pretty close to how I looked yesterday as I fell asleep for a much needed nap.

When I woke up, I had a text message waiting for me from one of my chiefs asking if I wanted to go for a liver procurement that evening! She'd forgotten I was post-call when she had had texted, but too late, I had gotten the message! And I grabbed the opportunity! So I drank some coffee and headed back to the hospital. I got a good laugh out of the timing. 'Twas Valentine's Day four years ago exactly that I went on my first procurement. It was a heart that time. Amazing experience!

Have I mentioned before how much I LOVE VALENTINE'S DAY!!!

Good thing a I didn't have to work today as I didn't get home until the wee hours of the morning. The snow started this afternoon.  I'm thankful I don't need to drive in it until tomorrow when it's supposedly going to be rain instead of snow.

  

 Even Van Gogh is nothing more than a mere imitator of the Creator himself.

Much Love.

Estoy trabajando.

I was paged this evening, just prior to my relief arriving, by a slightly panicking, senior medicine resident. Patient up on the 6th floor in respiratory distress. Patient had previous tracheostomy, now decannulated, calling surgery to evaluate for possible placement of trach and therefore avoiding intubation. My gut reaction...Call Anesthesia and Intubate STAT!!  But okay, perhaps I just need to learn something. I grabbed my senior who was passing by and we headed up to the 6th floor. Turns out the patient had been decannulated a while ago and the remaining trach site not much more than a pinhole. My senior just about Flipped. His. Lid!! 
Let's just say, anesthesia was finally paged for STAT intubation.


Last week a couple of my co-residents were bemoaning the lack of order, rhyme or reason in their lives. I tried to chime in and give them a pep talk about how they are successful young working adults, etc. etc. etc. They just stared back at me and retorted that their lives were in shambles! Bills not paid, delinquent on dead lines, etc. etc. I tried once more, but then went back to writing my note when refuted again. I still disagree with them. But this past Wednesday, I had the day off and took advantage to run some errands. Passport renewal, loan repayment renewal, bank, gas, food. And I'll admit, it felt really good. Thankful I was efficient for long enough to check a bunch of things off my list before falling asleep again! Takes so little to make me happy anymore!!


Much Love.

Estoy pintando diseños.

Back in New York. Reunited with my C pillow after two months separation. I was a bit apprehensive to run into my neighbors again, sure they had finally formulated a finalized opinion of me as a horrible neighbor due to my absence and abandonment of vehicle in the way of snow plows. But they still have the same smile and welcoming hello whenever our paths cross.  I really am blessed to be able to call them my neighbors. This Deerhaunt community is special.

Monday came and as sure as time passes my vacation ended, and I returned to work. It wasn't but two days and felt as if at least two weeks time had passed. The 0298 will do that to you!  It's finally my month to carry the consult pager. For explanation please refer to HERE

Wednesday I asked off as a conference day and drove up to Massachusetts for a meeting. Had made the drive once before. Last December had been granted a last minute interview for a spot in an Anesthesiology position. So went back once again for a second look now that my rank list is due. I'm continually amazed as God's plan unfolds in this journey. Almost rendered speechless. Sometimes, I don't want to let myself even smile at the possibilities before me for fear they aren't real. That if I smiled and enjoyed indulging in their enticing ideas it could potentially set me up for bitter disappointment.  But then I chuckle and smile, because if these past four years have taught me anything at all... it's that God is already there. In the most bitterest of disappointments, failures and rejections. In the most brilliant of moments, memories and blessings. He's already there. 

Much Love.