Yo estoy magullada y quebrada pero no estoy muerta.

I’ve been trying to think of a reason I could use to somehow justify not writing this post.  But in reality, this past week happened, and I can’t ignore it.  I have to face it, accept it and believe that one day I will even embrace it.

 

To put it simply, this past week was Match Week, and in the end I did not match into a residency position.  Six months ago I jumped.  It was a definite leap of faith, one in which my sensible-self screamed at me not to take.  But I took it, and low and behold I found myself smashed among the rocks far far below that starting point.  I wrote a few weeks ago my fear at how I would react to this result. What would I walk away believing, assuming I could even walk at that point?

Doubt?  No I never doubted, even though I definitely accused myself of stupidity more than once.

Sad?  I remember sadness once.  Which, as corny as it sounds, I battled by repeating “Praise God” out-loud until I could say it without my voice wavering and the threat of tears fled.

Angry?  Surprising to myself probably because I wasn’t expecting it, my primary reaction was anger.  I was angry often this past week. Mad at the humiliation that faces me.  Mad at the new mountains now planted in my path when I’m already tired of climbing mountains.  And I was mad at God, mad and hurt enough that I claimed to feel betrayed by my own Father in Heaven even though I knew no betrayal had happened.  And I was mad, because in addition to the humiliation now my mediocrity was going to be known to everyone.  Though I realized just how incredibly ordinary I am years ago, now the entire medical community has also realized it and shoved it back in my face.  And once again I would accuse myself of stupidity for thinking I somehow deserved to excel my own mediocrity.  In short, I frequently felt the dire need for a punching bag this week, but for lack of said bag I resorted to “Praising God” which is much more efficient anyways.

I believe that God’s Word is 100% truth, and as such accept all it holds for us.  As all gold must be tried in the fire, so we must all be proved acceptable whether through adversity, trials or temptations.  So I will repeat and modify what I said before and say, May the Good Lord grant us the wisdom, strength and courage to continue on and cross whatever lays before us.

Some encouragement to us all in our time(s) of adversity.

Phillipians 3:7-12

⁷ But what things were gain to me, those I counted loss for Christ.  ⁸ Yea doubtless, and I count all things but loss for the excellency of the knowledge of Christ Jesus my Lord: for whom I have suffered the loss of all things, and do count them but dung, that I may win Christ,  ⁹ And be found in him, not having mine own righteousness, which is of the law, but that which is through the faith of Christ, the righteousness which is of God by faith:  ¹⁰ That I may know him, and the power of his resurrection, and the fellowship of his sufferings, being made conformable unto his death;  ¹¹ If by any means I might attain unto the resurrection of the dead.   ¹² Not as though I had already attained, either were already perfect: but I follow after, if that I may apprehend that for which also I am apprehended of Christ Jesus.

Phillipians 4:4  Rejoice in the Lord always: and again I say, Rejoice.

Phillipians 4: 11 Not that I speak in respect of want: for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, therewith to be content

Psalm 113:3  From the rising of the sun unto the going down of the same the Lord’s name is to be praised.

Praising God forever!

Hasta!