I'm not quite sure how to word the following, because I feel it's a human experience that everyone has, but views and defines differently based on their own personalities and attitudes towards life. As for I myself, when I think about it, I think about it in 'parts'. As in parts of a whole. Since moving back to the US I have struggled with how to adequately maintain the different parts of my heart. A part in the prarie of Illinois, a part at ISU, a part in Mexico, a part in the hospital and I'd be absolutely lying to deny that a part isn't here in the New England area, etc, etc. Though I never would have admitted it at the time, for the first few months back I stubbornly held onto what I had in Mexico afraid that if I let go it would somehow change that part of my heart, it would cease to exist, or worse, be denied that it ever existed in the first place. A little dramatic perhaps, but sometimes my imagination goes a bit far before I can reign it in. It was actually a friendly knock on the head that woke me up to what I was subconsciously doing. A kind reminder that moving on with our lives does not change eternity. That being apart here on earth does not change our life together in eternity. Finally realizing this helped me see that I was holding on, to move on and fully invest in living where I actually was. That this was not going to deny the existence of or change that part of me in Mexico in any way.
This then brought on the problem of the future. I don't know what the future holds, but inevitably I'll have to go through the process of moving and starting over many more times. How many parts of my heart can I allow without leaving myself with nothing left? Panic!! Tonight, while missing Mexico, Comfort visited. It let me know that I had it backwards. I wasn't leaving parts of my heart behind me, those were already there waiting for me. With each move, with each step in this journey through life, a part is being added to my heart. I'm not leaving parts behind me, but gaining in fullness. I'm not moving towards nothing left, but rather towards overflowing towards wholeness. I wonder how many more parts are waiting for me, waiting to make me even more full, until that day at the end of my journey when I am finally completely and utterly whole with my Lord and Saviour, Christ Jesus, in Heaven.
....And then break lights would light up in front of me, filling my vision, and bringing me back to I-95. Well, for a few moments at least, until Coldplay would take me away again.
By the way, I had Sunday dinner with Lis Ballasy and her family tonight. A while ago we had discovered that both Lis and I had once played the oboe. And, well, she had found hers. I'd say it's been about 9 years since I've even held an oboe. It took me a while to get a sound on the reed. But it was exciting. This might label me, but I have some very fond memories of my days playing the oboe. Hey! I even made a jazz oboe 'cool!' ;) So the fact that my fingers remembered where to go after a 9 year hiatus and I could semi-play a sort of recognizable tune was really exciting to discover. I'll include the video that Lis took below. I'm playing Amazing Grace (a few seconds of the beginning is missing). It is painfully obvious that both my lungs and lips are out-of-playing-shape by my need for dramatic breathing pauses!! :)
Hasta!
1 comment:
I very much appreciate how wonderfully you stated your mind rambling on your drive home the other night. I've often had thoughts about not wanting to let go. For me I tend to focus on those past things as if somehow they are better than what God has for me in the present. While I'm getting better with it, I'm definitely still a work in progress. Oh yeah, and that oboe looks pretty good in your hands...like a natural! Come over again anytime to play it!! See you this weekend...
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