This is hard to explain, but towards the end of 6th semester, back in May/June of this year, I felt as if God was taking a huge paddle and stirring. I was confused about so much. I was getting dizzy. I didn't know what was going on, and of course I made some bad decisions that didn't help the matter. I was feeling like a failure, and I just wanted away from it. Which was granted by the end of the semester and me being on a plane the next day headed away. While in the States I was thankful to have a couple of conversations that covered this topic, but as I was still confused as to the exact nature of the problem itself the conversations all ended as discussions without solutions. And then by the end of Boston, I had all but completely forgotten about what was waiting for me upon my return. Within a few days of being back, the dizziness was returning and with it the dread that I couldn't figure out how to not be a failure to my classmates anymore. There were many quickly breathed prayers of "Lord, I just want to go to Ixtlan! I miss my friends there, I just want to be with them." And suddenly, after one such prayer, I was hit with conviction, and realized that prayer was my problem. God has me in GDL to serve here, and not only was I failing my classmates but I was failing Jesus by asking to be somewhere else.
I still went to Ixtlan this past weekend, of course!! ;) And while there I was able to enjoy not only my Ixtlan family but church family visiting from the States who had helped with VBS last week. Through conversation with one of the visiting sisters I found the first person ever in my three years of being in GDL who understood on a personal level the loneliness that Satan gnaws at me with. And I realized what I already knew. That I had gotten so tired of his gnawing that I wanted to give up. I was so tired of fighting for Jesus by myself that I had to a certain extent stopped fighting, hence the resulting bad decisions I had made.
If someone asked, "Would you die for Jesus?" What would you say? For me that's an easy question with a simple answer, Yes! But now suppose someone asked, "Would you live for Jesus?" Now that's a hard question. To continually deny self. To continually try to live out love to people who don't understand the meaning of the word that they themselves use excessively.
The purpose of this blog isn't to bore you with a personal confession, but rather to share a bit of background with you in order to ask for something. I covet your prayers for our Wednesday night Bible study as they continue this semester. Please pray for the individuals in attendance that they could listen past the mere mortal speaking to the actual message being delivered. Please pray that their own personal search for answers won't stop when they see someone just as capable of mistakes as they are. Please pray that they will see past me, to the Truth that they hold in their own hands. And lastly pray for me, that I could be a living example of Jesus' love for those I come in contact with. That I can continue to serve my Lord and Saviour, right here, and right now!
Thank you and God bless you all.
Hasta!
One last thing I'd like to share. Chelli sent a birthday CD down to me last year. It's currently in the player in my car so I get to listen to it everyday to and from the hospital. One of the songs, the artist sings as to a girl, but when he gets to the chorus I can't help but sing along as if I'm singing to Jesus.
I'm Yours by Jason Mraz
...
I won't hesitate no more,
No more, it cannot wait I’m yours
Well open up your mind and see like me
Open up your plans and [x] you're free
Look into your heart and you'll find love love love love
Listen to the music of the moment people dance and sing
We are just one big family
It’s your god forsaken right to be loved, loved, loved, loved
So, I won't hesitate no more,
No more, it cannot wait I’m sure
There’s no need to complicate our time is short
This is our fate, I’m yours
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