Yo estoy acercandome a las rocas.

I wrote the below post. And then I saved it.  I had a sister read it, and then asked, "Should I post it?"  Her response, "Yes, but do you want people to know you're feeling like that?"  Truthfully, no.  No I don't want anyone to know.  So then why am I posting it anyways? Truthfully, I'm not sure.  Except that I believe such "feelings" as I describe are not foreign to anyone.  I'm not alone in these struggles.  And if I can better understand them (put them into words) I feel like it has given them less of a hold over my being.  And perhaps it'll be the same for someone else.

I took the opportunity afforded me due to the holiday this past Monday to check some things off my list.  And first was letter writing.  I was horribly behind and way overdue in writing more than a couple of people a letter.  I don’t know if it’s easier to put thoughts into words when I’m talking to just one person, but in one such letter an idea came out that I had been wanting to put into words for a few weeks now, but been unable to.  So I may be cheating, but a little bit of copy/paste happened below.

It has now been almost three weeks since I’ve been able to fellowship with those of like mind and faith.  I will be the first to admit how spoiled I’ve been this year, to be able to gather with brothers and sisters on average 3 out of 7 days a week.  So three weeks without….I started noticing old habits reappearing.  Not bad habits mind you, maybe it was more just a reappearance of the state of mind I would settle myself into while in GDL.  I recognize that Jesus uses these times when I am by myself to remind me He is always there.  So from time to time He pulls me aside just to remind me.  I am so thankful for His constant presence and His friendship.  I hope He knows how much I love Him.  This time a nagging thought in the back of my mind accompanied my alone time with Jesus.  He knows whats coming….and I wondered does He know I’m going to be needing Him even more and is preparing me?

My time here in New York is quickly approaching its end, and unfortunately I still don’t know what will happen when that time finally does end.  Sometimes it excites me not knowing.  But most of the time, and especially lately since the time to know is drawing closer, it simply scares me.  I ask myself what will happen if no one wants me, and those ugly words “We’re sorry, but good luck” stare back at me?  I know that my future is in God’s hands, and everything will work out….somehow.  But what still scares me is how I will handle it?  I’ve gotten used to the denials and rejections so far, mainly because I’ve still had something else to do.  I could still be working and moving forward.  But how will I accept residency programs denying me, and telling me I’m not good enough for them?  When their rejection brings my forward movement to an abrupt halt, and my parachuteless skydive leaves me smashed among the rocks, at rock bottom.  Just as a ship stalled and randomly afloat in the middle of the ocean.  Will I believe what they tell me, that I am not good enough?  Everyone wants to be accepted, wants to be good enough.  And I wonder, if the world tells me otherwise, will I be able to hold onto the truth that Jesus still finds me good enough even when the world doesn’t?  Will I still be able to hold onto my purpose when in all appearances I’m nothing more than a purposeless vessel unable to do anything more than eventually sink.  May the Good Lord grant us the strength and courage in these self-defining moments to continue on and cross whatever lays before us.

Hasta!