Yo estoy ansiosa.

I'm in Starbucks right now freezing my toeses off, but refusing to leave as my other option would be to sit and swelter in my studio.  I chuckle to myself as I feel it's really just what I'm used to.  Except for one difference.  In GDL there is reprieve at night when the sun goes down...not so much here.  I have the practical USMLE board exam on Tuesday of this coming week.  I'll head to Philadelphia on Monday.  I am really ready to get it over with, especially as it just adds to the seemingly permanent ball of panic which has taken up residence in my stomach.  We had a couple of meetings with an advisor of sorts for this particular Clinical Skills (CS) exam.  When I mentioned I was taking my exam soon his response of "Oh!" came with a hesitation and an obvious lack of the encouragement that I had been hoping for.  :( Any prayers you can spare for Tuesday would be extremely appreciated.

As for this ball of panic, it's a constant reminder that I am not handling my current life situation very well.  Living by faith is so much easier said than done.  I'm ashamed that I still struggle so much with letting go and leaving this mess in Jesus' hands when He has faithfully carried me through every time in the past.  It leaves no question that He will shine through at the end of this step also, and yet I still am convincing myself to apply for family medicine in addition to surgery.  As my test scores and medical school tell me I'm joking myself to even think I'd be given an interview for surgery.  As if I have to have a "back-up" when Jesus' plan needs no back-up plan.  Oh ye of little faith. :(

It's nice to have distractions from this:  We finally started in our respective rotations at the hospital.  I'm so excited to be back in the OR.  I was rather disappointed to arrive on Thursday and find everyone so unorganized.  I was really hoping for better...maybe at least that they would have known we were starting.  However, I wasn't about to waste my days in surgery and so just went to the ORs and invited myself in.  It felt good to be back.

Rockville is also an excellent distraction:  Last weekend a few of the sisters and I went tubing down the Farmington River. I totally got tossed in the rapids and what surprised me most was I hadn't even done it on purpose.  I was actually trying to stay in the tube.  And then we went to the Shore. 

 L to R: Carly, Ashley (Luginbuhl?), Lis Ballasy, Me, Rebekah Viens

 Connecticut shoreline at Hole in the Wall beach at Niantic, CT.

It was also an amazing surprise to show up at YG on Friday evening and to see my own FIRST cousin there, Kristin Stoller.  Not only did we get asked multiple times if we were twins, but in church on Sunday she had to redirect/correct so many people thinking that she was "the one staying for awhile." 

I need to focus on going over cases again.  It really helps me to breathe to tackle one stressor at a time. Right now priority is the CS on Tuesday.

Hasta!