Estoy libre.

 Laughter. That was my reaction to the dramatic finish of my oral boards. 

Not quite sure what I was expecting. Dread maybe. Disappointment probably. But definitely not laughter.

I had struggled a bit on my last case. Taken my patient to the operating room and performed a surgery but before I could leave the OR my examiner kept asking me the same question, just rewording it three different ways. My answer was the same management each time. I couldn't get what he wanted, or what I was missing. He finally lets me leave the OR and I continue management in the ICU. He fastforwards my timeline to hospital day 10, at which time I then decide to trach my patient. His voice jumps a full octave to exclaim, "Ok, thank you!" and he immediately leaves the zoom meeting. I cracked up laughing. I couldn't help it. I had no idea how I had done. But it was over. 

Was the laughter from relief? Was it from the dramatic flare of a finish? Or have I finally officially driven myself crazy over this? Combination of all three?

Once I stopped laughing, the most surreal feeling began to set in. I have dreaded oral boards for the last 7 years. As a prelim, when I was 99.93% sure I was not to have a future in surgery and felt like my heart would break at the idea. Trying to grasp at any positive thought, one of the very few I could find at the time was 'at least I wouldn't have to stand for oral boards.' Ha. Such distant memories now. God is good, and I was blessed to be able to continue in surgery. Every day I performed a surgery, every day I studied, every ABSITE, every day in preparation for the future, in preparation for oral boards.

I honestly can't say right now if I feel like I passed or failed, it's pretty complicated, and this surreal feeling is rather overwhelming at the moment. There is one thing I know though, for which I am incredibly thankful, I didn't freeze during the exam. 

I suffer from a rather annoying disorder that causes my brain to blank when I am asked a question. Doesn't matter if I know the answer or not, because in the moment, I am left with nothing. As you can imagine, it fuels a bit of preexisting anxiety and dread of presentations. Hence my reference of M&M presentations in the last post.  I always had to view them as oral board practice to prevent myself from running in the opposite direction. It was my principal fear facing this exam, not being able to say anything, and those quick seven minutes per case flying by before I could even give a patient a fluid bolus let alone diagnose and treat. 

But I didn't freeze. I was able to talk, to respond, to answer. I will find out in a couple of weeks if those words/responses/decisions were deemed safe and acceptable. But for now, I am thankful. I know there were many prayers said on my behalf for this exam. I felt every one of them, and know they are the reason I was able to speak. 

Much Love.