Every morning I enter his room. He somehow was lucky enough to have the corner room, stuck back far down the hallway from the nurse's station. If any place on a hospital floor could be considered "quiet", that just might be the closest thing. And that's where he has been, day-in and day-out. The living epitome of "convalesence", in the slow and disheartening sense of the word.
I wake him up. He cracks an eyelid, confirming what he already knows. It's just me. And he sticks his tongue out at me. His santa hat had fallen off at some point during the night. I ask him if I can put it back on. Without saying anything, he holds his head forward for me to replace his night cap. I ask him if I can check his wound. He doesn't say yes, he says... "why don't you check my wound." And so it goes, every morning. And I wouldn't have it any other way. Anything less, and I would worry. He already has me worried enough. He doesn't want to eat. I've given him more than one lecture about the importance of his nutrition, the whole while he just quietly stares at me like a defiant two-year-old. Not about to verbally defy his doctor, but when his dinner tray comes, he then throws his supplement shakes on the floor. What more can one do?
Tonight is New Year's Eve. The end of another year, and as I look back on 2018... I'm tired. I'm sure this is impacted by my last month as acting chief resident of the Vascular team. Where everyday anyone of your patient's could code and try to die on you. Sometimes, for no good reason at all, speaking from experience. And therefore, you stay as sharp as possible looking for anything out of the ordinary. Is his heart rate faster today? Is his magnesium too low today? Did he not stick out his tongue at me today? Every little thing matters.
I wish I could make him better. I wish I could get him to eat. I wish I could help them all. In the meantime, I'll keep trying nonetheless.
It's not about being tired, exhausted even. It's not about me. It's about being right here, where I'm supposed to be, and allowing God to build me into the vessel for which he has a use. I will get up extra early tomorrow. Prepare extra for my call. And hold my breath while I wake him up, waiting for him to crack his eyelid and stick out his tongue.
I wish everyone warm feelings and congratulations for passing another year of our Lord. May prosperity, happiness and health be yours in 2019. God Bless!
Much Love.
I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help. My help cometh from the Lord, which made heaven and earth. He will not suffer thy foot to be moved: he that keepeth thee will not slumber. The Lord is thy keeper: the Lord is thy shade upon thy right hand. The sun shall not smite thee by day, nor the moon by night. The L:ord shall preserve thee from all evil: he shall preserve thy soul. The Lord shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth, and even for evermore. Psalm 121
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