I've been getting everything ready to move back to NY this afternoon. I'm expecting an intense night at the hospital tonight. There's been ambulances lined up at the hospital all afternoon. I'm only expecting it to get worse. We'll see how it goes.
As for the End of Another Year. 2014. It passed. It is a blur in my mind. Anything over 6 months ago seems like a different lifetime. Sometimes I'm amazed. I don't understand why God blessed me with this opportunity. And I don't understand for what end it will all come to. Perhaps 2015 will shed some more light on that subject.
It is very clear that I, of myself, do not possess the love required to fulfill the role that I am currently attempting to fill. Daily requiring me to draw on the unending fountain of love that is Jesus. Sometimes I miss. I confess, I've kicked a chair. Slammed the phone down in its cradle multiple times. Wanted to throw the pager up against the wall countless times. Been caught muttering/venting under my breath going up the stairs when I had thought I was alone in the stairwell. But each of those times I've missed the fountain He's come after and drawn me back.
I finally came to the first patient that I stopped on just this past week. I won't go into details as to the work that had been put into the care of this patient. But in the end the patient and patient's family spat in my face, refusing to recognize anything that had been done for them. Refusing to accept any of their options. And refusing to work with us in any way, shape or form. I finally got to the point that I politely excused myself. I went and washed my face. And my hands. I was done. I let someone else take over.
1 patient in 6 months....that's kind of acceptable no? yes? no?
I wonder if Jesus ever got that same sour feeling after dealing with those most unpleasant. It probably made him sad more so than sour. Sad that he couldn't help. Sad that they were so angry. Why are they so angry?
I could not do this on my own, and am thankful that each day I step into the hospital, I am not alone. I marvel that so many of my colleagues are attempting to make it on their own, relying on their own strength. But then again it does not surprise me to hear of the reliance on drugs those same residents possess. They joke that each residency has its 'drug of choice.' And now and again you hear of another resident that has OD'ed somewhere. It makes me want to love my co-residents even more.
Wanted to end 2014 with one more thing. My favorite song of 2014. I love the pictures that it gives. 'radiant diamonds bursting inside that we cannot contain' and then 'blazing wile fire'. I think that was the one that caught my attention the most. A wild fire is typically synonymous with destruction, perhaps to the point of loss of life. I was struck that they would choose such a topic to associate with God's love. And yet it is true, God's love exists beyond destruction, beyond loss, beyond darkness. It is unending and forever. That even amidst destruction, loss and darkness you can hear nature itself singing His name. There is only one thing I actually know. I know that I love Jesus. and pray that my hallelujahs may somehow, someday be multiplied.
Multiplied by NEEDTOBREATHE.
Your love is like radiant diamonds
Bursting inside us we cannot contain
Your love will surely come find us
Like blazing wild fires singing Your name.
Bursting inside us we cannot contain
Your love will surely come find us
Like blazing wild fires singing Your name.
God of mercy sweet love of mine
I have surrendered to Your design
May this offering stretch across the skies
And these Halleluiahs be multiplied.
I have surrendered to Your design
May this offering stretch across the skies
And these Halleluiahs be multiplied.
Much Love.
Psalm 113:3 From the rising of the sun unto the going down of the same the Lord's name is to be praised.
No comments:
Post a Comment