What's the phrase? "If it were easy, everyone could do it." Or something along those lines. A very safe vague phrase that can be applied in a plethora of scenarios. Usually shared as a means of reassurance in a time of struggle or defeat; it is ment to placate or tranquilize the overwhelming feelings of failure. Feelings, emotions and fears that plague even the best of surgeons from time to time as well. I assisted one of my partners in a case a few months ago. It was a situation in which he didn't need my help, he had the ability and the knowledge required to perform the necessary tasks, but it was a situation in which he acknowledged his own vacillating state of mind and wasn't sure if he could trust his own decision in the moment which is required in the operating theater. So when those same periods, for whatever reason, seem to plague my own work I try to power on through as bravely as possible. Usually with very exhausting results.
The last few weeks was like an overgrown bog that I was drowning in despite my best efforts at treading, or swimming. My wrist vibrated while sitting in church one evening the other week for the West Lafayette Vacation Bible School. My heart rate spiked as my adrenal glands responded to the stimulus by dumping adrenaline into my blood stream. Hurriedly making my way out of the sanctuary to respond, the various worst-case scenarios ran through my conscious filling me with worried dread at what I was about to hear. In the end, my post op patient hadn't urinated yet after surgery and they just wanted permission to let her go home. It took me a few moments to compose myself, but the state a simple benign phone call had sent my sympathetic nervous system into, illustrated to me just perhaps on tilt I, myself, was becoming.
It happens to us all in whatever line of work we pursue, and I know the pep-talks I can self-deliver to walk my way through the decisions as difficult as they can become, but it doesn't make those periods any easier, and definitely not enjoyable. I few things have helped me in the past. 1) Time. Simple passage of time, let the events that weigh on us lighten by the magic of a new sun rising every morning. 2) Rest. Whatever this looks like for you whether that be physical rest or sleep versus taking a long run or ride, but it is stepping away from a situation to clear one's mind and allow it to reset. 3) Community. Finding those friends or loved ones that understand your situation, and recognize you are not alone.
Jake had a week of training out in Folsom, California last week. We took the opportunity to add a quick adventure onto the end of his week, and it could not have come at a more opportune time for me, providing a source of time, rest and community that was sorely needed.
I was able to spend a day with Monica and talk life and surgery. After Jake finished for the day, he was able to join us and we spent the evening together enjoying California.
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