Estoy trabajando.

 Life feels good right now. One of my biggest problems currently is deciding to go with either my usual OR playlist or leave it and play some Christmas music in the OR.

It feels good to be able to go to the hospital and just enjoy my work, without a voice in the back of my head yelling they'd rather be studying. 

It feels good to check things off my To Do List that has been in a perpetual state of growth these past few months as I repeatedly prioritized studying rather than pretty much anything else. Makes me feel productive, which is a really good feeling.

It feels good to finally answer a few questions about Togo and focus on my preparations for moving there in a few weeks. I've started learning French. Oui, Merci, Aujourd'hui and the like. I've also been taking my friend's dirt bike out occasionally as I'm told it will be my primary mode of transport. I'll be honest not the most graceful when it comes to dirt bikes. The first time out I sent myself over the handlebars and came away with some nice road rash. And since then, in what may actually be the most embarrassing moment of my life, I somehow managed to run into a building! In my defense, it was a smaller area and as I was attempting to tighten my turn, turned the handlebars, but simultaneously pulled on the throttle sending both the bike and me shooting forward. But no matter how I try to explain it, doesn't cover up the fact that I managed to hit a very large stationary object. Watch out Togo!

It also feels good to freely get out and socialize a bit again. 

Loved visiting with my Beer family. Reg & Bev and their troupe.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lainey & Colton

 

So much to be Thankful for this year at Thanksgiving. It was my holiday to cover call at the hospital. So Andrea & Callie Furrer made a feast of Korean chicken, noodles & bok choy with peanut sauce, cesar salad, and smashed potatoes and brought it to me. And then our young professional group had a Friendsgiving on Sunday. So lots of festivities and celebration of thanks.

Much Love.

Estoy sin palabras.

 I can not find the words to describe how I am feeling right now. But my chest feels like it's going to burst. Not with pain or heaviness; it's the lightest and brightest as if without this mortal body tying it to the earth, I'd up and float away. Dancing on the breeze. I'll cheat and borrow some words from Needtobreathe.

Your love is like radiant diamonds
Bursting inside us we cannot contain
Your love will surely come find us
Like blazing wild fires singing Your name

God of mercy sweet love of mine
I have surrendered to Your design
May this offering stretch across the skies
And these Halleluiahs be multiplied

 

I've never been on this side of the oral boards before. I am a board certified general surgeon. With Christ, we can do hard things. And now, I give it back. It always was, and always will be for Him. So I'll say it again. 

May this offering stretch across the skies
And these Halleluiahs be multiplied

 

Much Love.

Estoy recuperando.

 True as the steady turning of the earth and the sun rising every morning, we can always count on time passing. What was once the future, is, and then in a blink was. Just like my time to stand for my oral boards 2.0. The time came and past last Friday. 

After not passing last year, I started down a path to answer for myself why. No feedback is given from the American Board of Surgery, and therefore without any concrete goals to set for myself it was a journey that started without any particular direction. 

Always a safe stable answer that I can count on; I could always study more. I went back to the drawing board, starting with the NCCN guidelines on cancer management and picked through them filling multiple notebooks with notes and algorithms. 

At the same time, what was unstable, unsafe maybe even daring, was my discernment to finally admit to myself I was afraid of speaking and to try to address this. Denial was such an easier way to live. But, even more important than speaking clearly and passing oral boards was the fact that I was finally on the cusp of joining my colleagues on the mission field. A place were keeping my head down and doing my job would not be enough. Actions of love would have to be accompanied with words of love, and therefore I decided to leave denial behind. I spent the last year with a coach to focus on strengths, skills and joy. I dutifully made my goals, did my assignments, and waited for my fear to dissipate. Maybe naively. But I waited for it nonetheless, at times even asking God why I couldn't have an "Aaron" like Moses got an Aaron to speak for him. Up until about a month ago I had waited, until I knew I would have to change my attitude and accept my fear in order to move past it. 

A benefit of this journey, has been the new pair of shoes I got to walk in. Like most new pairs of shoes, it was never a pair I would have chosen for myself. I now have an appreciation for the large population that struggle with anxiety. As I wait for my results, true to my nature, I keep replaying the scenarios I was presented with and having had time to think about them can better elucidate the steps I should have taken, and the responses I should have given. I prepare myself for failure once again, and the anxiety of having to face oral boards yet again unsure of what more I can do different to prepare is enough to cause my adrenal glands to flood my veins with adrenaline. The natural "fight or flight" response the body manifests to protect prey from predators, instead is out of control and running amuck. A feeling I can only best describe like I'm being choked by my own anxiety. And I'll admit, makes me contemplate going back to denial, so much easier.

In the end, no matter where this road will take me, I know that God is good. I know that I'll be fine. And I know that I'll keep speaking whether I'm afraid or not, because Jesus is worthy and has not called us to silence. 

Much Love.

P.S. Lord willing I will be going to Togo beginning of 2023 in the capacity as a general surgeon to work for a few months. More details to follow as I finally can transition to preparations since oral boards are done.