People are funny. They're unique. They're interesting. Kind. Dangerous. Brilliant. And some plumb lost, lost to reality, lost to sense. There's all sorts, and all are loved. I met a particularly interesting one the other day. Filled our discourse with questions. Some could interpret it as him drilling me, not that I think he was in doubt, but rather he honestly wanted to understand what that number in parenthesis was and what it meant. He was referring to the mean arterial pressure, and I wasn't too proud to quick check the formula before telling him to make sure I had gotten it right. MAP = DP + 1/3(SP – DP) in case you' were wondering. We then moved onto his reason for hospitalization, and I took him in a step-wise fashion through the anatomy of the billiary system and its physiology, or in his case the pathophysiology. When I mentioned a slight chance he would experience diarrhea if eating a cheese pizza, he threw his hands up in exasperation and exclaimed, it's the government! I paused to allow him dramatic effect assuming he was being facetious. He wasn't. He continued. In complete sincerity, he expressed his disgust at the government's scheming plan to get the American population to stop eating cheese pizzas. I debated a second, was it worth reiterating the known, well studied, and proven pathophysiology concerning what was happening in his body right now? Then, in the next second, I weighed that against the immediate and whole earnestness his mind had embraced his new found conspiracy. In the third second, I smiled and smoothly changed the subject aiming our discourse trajectory towards a quick end. People are... more than words can describe sometimes.
This year continues to hold surprises for me. A patient brought me a small token to her follow up appointment. What struck me most, just as I never fancied myself a robotic surgeon, I also never fancied myself a breast surgeon. Yet here I am, doing the work God has before me.
I broke down and had some blood work done this past week. Turns out I'm pretty anemic. Not severe, but bad enough that a handful of years ago it would justify a blood transfusion. I started noticing worsening symptoms last summer, which were dramatically exacerbated when I went through my caffeine detox a few months ago. It makes sense now, that caffeine had been compensating for the lack of oxygen carrying capacity my blood currently has. When I no longer was taking that caffeine, it felt like I couldn't lift my legs, I couldn't climb a flight of stairs, and for running I was forced to slow it way down. That lasted about 3 months, now it's just regular symptoms again. The race I ran the other week was the tipping point. I am flying to California tomorrow. I am going from an elevation of 700ft here in Lafayette, to an elevation of 5000ft at Yosemite, and plan to run a half marathon. Sure I ran that race the other week, but it just did not feel right. It hasn't felt right for a long time now, and after months of explaining it away, and thinking it's all in my head, I figured best to check before I go to Yosemite. I'm still planning on running the half, but now that I know it's not all in my head and I have a reason for feeling like I do, it removes all the pressure of the race. You see, my goal now is just to finish without passing out. I just hope my pride doesn't get in the way too much, and if I need to walk, I'll actually do that. On the bright side, dark chocolate is actually a good source of iron! Who knew?
The reasons for my need to stay in Lafayette longer that I had originally anticipated keep stacking up. We are impatient creatures, I am especially guilty of that struggle myself. As a surgeon, I enjoy being able to fix what is broken. No such quick fix with my own anemia unfortunately. But even in life, to near the end of a 20+ year journey with the finish line in sight, my nature wants to sprint. Instead I'm told to slow down. When I try to ignore and keep sprinting, God takes that slowing down out of my hands, and forces it. It's times like these that I am reminded of God's Sovereignty over the Universe, and I feel very, very, very small.
I read a C.S. Lewis quote today, "There is no neutral ground in the universe: every square inch, every split second, is claimed by God and counter claimed by Satan." And I feel even smaller than before. What is slowing down, really, what is time when compared to El Olam? He is eternal, and yet He cares for each of our seconds from now to eternity. A time to run, and time to slow down, as long as the seconds are from Him and for Him.
Much Love.
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