Estoy todavia con vision.

 It was awful! Seriously, why has no one ever mentioned Lasik surgery is basically like signing up to pay someone to torture you? I know I tend for the dramatic, but honestly this doesn't feel like one of those times. If I learned anything, it is how much of a wimp I am. If ever kidnapped, God forbid, they'd only have to push on my eyeballs and I'd spill all the details and then some. 

Lasik surgery involves two lasers. The first creates a flap, which is described at consultation as a little pressure. The second ablates the cornea. The eyeballs are numb, true, but pressure is sensed via a different receptor and those are 100% active. The "little pressure" they describe is actually a lot of pressure, which is required to cause the eyeball to bulge so the first laser can create an adequate flap. So as you lay completely still, staring straight ahead, trying to ignore the feeling that your eyeball is being gouged out, the laser then is applied. The intense pressure increases even more, and with it there is heat and your vision goes black. Let's just say I handled it somewhat less than gracefully. 

To compound the fact that I was already poorly handling the procedure, during one of my eyeballs, the laser grinded to a halt halfway through creating the flap and the machine shut down. The room grew tense, and though he kept any concern or panic from his voice, there was definitely frustration bubbling as the ophthalmologist worked to get the laser re-engaged in order to finish the flap creation. He would tell me to look straight ahead, which is so much easier said than done when everything is black. I would look in the direction that I thought best focused forward, to which I would get another "look straight ahead" and I'd have to guess again where exactly to look in the burning blackness that had replaced my eyeball.

Torture now done and in the past. My perspective of course shifts again. I can see without any aide, no glasses nor contacts. Of course I say it's worth it. A few minutes of torture, for the freedom to see 20/20 again. Even the healing process is improving everyday. The first 3-4 hours were continued torture as the irritation caused by lasers destroying layers of the eyeball resulted in constant watering of the eyes. Thankfully that was only the rough 3-4 hours that they had warned about. Since then I can tell the irritation, and edema continues to improve. Even to the point, where I forget and go to rub my eyes absentmindedly. Whoops! Thank you Jehovah-rapha for your healing grace!

Now I am enjoying a few more days away, eye drops and vitamins in tow, but no glasses or contacts! Plan is to no longer require constant eye drops by the time I need to get through a longer surgery.

Much Love.

Soy una paciente.

 It's my turn to be the patient. Lord willing, will have Lasik surgery tomorrow. Not a big procedure, lasting less than an hour in total. Reading through the risks, and I want to pray extra that they push the right buttons and dials on the lasers when the time comes, and I don't end up loosing my sight. Yes definitely went for the worst case scenario there. Gulp! Just like for any surgery/procedure there is risk involved, but considering possible futures and needs and even demands from long calls in the present, the benefits outweigh the risks. Leaving my sight in the hands of Jehovah-rapha; just as this year has taught me to leave all my patients, likewise, in His hands.

When planning ahead, I requested a chunk of time without call, during which I was hoping to schedule the Lasik. Thankfully that worked out just fine, and I know find myself midway through two weeks without call. I took the opportunity to visit Connecticut last weekend. Very short, and missed many due to COVID or their own absence due to trips, but it was very sweet. One trouble with travel during winter, is that I am always cold so my hands stay covered and in pockets. Thus, photos were few. In fact, Finn got more photos than anything else!

"Oh a human sat down!"

"Pet me!"

"Seriously, why aren't you petting me yet?"

Returned with just a bit of time to take care of a few patients, and make an exploration trip up to Rensselaer. I will start in February offering coverage at the hospital there once a week, so thought it best to go say hi before that became official. 

As in St. John 9:1-38, Jesus healed and gave sight that people may believe. As his disciples, let us likewise heal and give sight that many more may believe. 

Much Love.

Estoy compartiendo mi perspectiva.

The world can be a confusing place. So many ideas, so many feelings, just so much information constantly on download with contradictions perpetually fighting for their own space with increasing voices. It's constant. Futile. Never-ending. How does anyone find peace in this lost chaos?

I was asked the other day, why I prefer to not speak. Short answer, what's the point? What can I possibly add to a world of opinions, perspectives and arguments without hurting someone's feelings, contradicting someone's perspective, or making someone else feel unheard. In essence, my speaking could only succeed in increasing the decibel level of  that constant, futile, never-ending download of words.

For illustration, I ran into my own personal contradiction the other day.

It was bitterly cold outside, but the sun shone beckoning me and I couldn't resist. I put on the extra layers, balaclavas and gloves and went out for a run. I started out heading East and into the wind which cut my breath short, and through my layers. By the time I reached my planned turn around point my fingers were nearing rigor mortis. But then, I turned and the wind was at my back. It no longer cut through, the pain started to ebb, the sun started to warm and I could finally stretch my legs and enjoy the run. Pulling up to my apartment building, I made an extra lap through the parking lot, just because it's best when running with the wind at your back.

It brought me back a few months ago.

It was hot and humid out, but the sun shone illuminating the blue sky and I couldn't resist. I slipped on my razorback, and went out for an enjoyable run. I started out heading East and into the wind which evaporated my sweat, cooled my skin and filled my lungs. But then, I turned and the wind was at my back. I could no longer feel its cooling presence. The sun beat down on my shoulders unrelenting. My hair escaped from its braid and clung to my sweaty face making the humidity of the thick air surrounding me compound exponentially to the point where I needed to slow my speed at an inverse relation just in order to catch my breath again. Pulling up to my apartment building at a pace greater than a walk was a success, just because it's best when running into the wind. 

You see how confusing that is? I am the same person. I have not changed. But put me in a slightly different environment, and my perspective has changed. And not just a slight change, 180 degree change. Literally complete opposite. So what is the point? If you met me in August and listened to my emphatic argument you would assume I maintained a belief that the wind is best to run against. But it's not my belief, it just happened to be my perspective on the day you met me. 

So what do we believe? In a world where a fickle perspective is spouted as a new #truth everywhere we turn, how can we filter through and understand what it all means? How do we know what is truth?  How can we know when our own words can add to the conversation, up-lift, help and benefit those around us?

So many questions, and we all must individually answer. We must all prove for ourselves what is truth and what is perspective. And we must do our best not to confuse one with the other.

Perspective: running against the wind is best

Perspective: running with the wind is best

Truth: There is wind. 

Hint: when you can eliminate opinion, emotion, environment, etc truth is clearer

There are many blessed with the ability to filter through information at a rapid pace. Recognize perspective and opinion for what it is, and identify what truth, if any, is being said. I personally know many individuals willing to use their blessing to preach, and openly share the love of Jesus. #goals

Much Love.

Estoy orando por ti.

Welcome to 2022. I don't think I was quite ready for that. Truth be told, skimming social media, it seemed quite a bit of the world felt the same way. But ready or not here we are. The New Year found me on call and working, very reminiscent of so many years in residency. But as I was told one of those years, "what New Year's finds you doing is predictive of your year." I always find comfort in knowing there is still work for me to do.   

It has been a year of many changes for me. Long awaited joys. Difficult challenges. Much needed rest. And some ongoing restoration that will carry me on. But through it all, sure of my foundation built on the love of my Savior and best friend, Jesus.

I had a conversation the other day with one of my friends back in New York. She's halfway through her year as chief resident, and needed to vent about a few of the current difficulties chief year is throwing at them. She actually had approached the subject saying she wanted some advice or suggestions, but we both knew she really just wanted to vent, and if I happened to have a few thoughts at the end would be an added bonus. 

I came away from that conversation reminded just how incredibly thankful I am to no longer be a resident. I wonder if I will one day be able to put it in words, perhaps not, but primarily because its a feeling of awe, gratitude, and shock all rolled into one rendering me utterly speechless. I hope so though. 

Speech is actually one of my goals for this year. No resolution, per se, but rather an effort to obtain an understanding of my fear. To accept that speech could potentially be used as a blessing for those around me, and to find a balance to allow that speech without compromising listening.

And a little peace. I pray this year brings the world a little peace. To the single mother trying to get by. To the surgery resident scrambling to care for their patient. To the father trying to protect his family in a country burned by war. To those newly widowed. To the thousands displaced. To the thousands sick and hurting. To the billions needing love. I pray a little peace.

Much Love and Happy New Year.