Estoy buscando ese plano perfecto.

It is proving to be a week of bad timing. All-in-all rotating up at MidHudson ranks very high on the scale of chill, but that 1hr commute is a killer. I mean, it’s one thing to stay post-call for a case and then stumble home across a parking lot mid-afternoon. It’s a whole other thing to finish a case post-call and then have a 1 hr drive on a narrow winding road to traverse. At this point, my decision to stay post-call for a case depends on 1) the case, and with increasing weight, 2) which attending. My decision earlier this week to drive up to MidHudson post-call was primarily based on the attending. Some could question my sanity for that decision, as he is an older surgeon, given to yelling in the OR. He’s the type that will stand up from the robot so I can take over, but before fully stepping aside, stop and stare at me while yelling to the nurse, “Cynthia! I need my aspirin!” And then while I’m working, yell at me every two seconds, “No don’t cut, dissect! Dissect!” followed immediately by, “No don’t do that! That’s barbaric! Cut! Cut!”  I’m not exaggerating, it makes my head spin. I spend the majority of the case just trying to discern what it is he actually wants. At one point the other day, I actually paused exasperated by the barrage of contradictory instructions, and in my head threw up my arms at a loss for knowing what next move was going to be acceptable to his seemingly bipolar personality. Unfortunately, it wasn’t as “in my head” as I thought as I saw my connected robot arms flip up and out in accordance with my exasperation.  Whoops! I quickly recovered and continued, laughing to myself at my robot’s spastic movements (only minor tongue in cheek there).

So, why subject myself unnecessarily to such beratement and confusion?  It is not some twisted general surgery version of Stockholm syndrome. There are many types of yelling encountered in residency, ranging from strings of expletives to a sharp narrowed look. Our role as recipient is to discern which ones merit attention, and which ones, not even a half second of thought. In this particular case, in my opinion, it merits attention. Honestly, there is a higher level of finesse, exact dissection, and superior respect of tissue exhibited in that Attending’s surgery. I won’t go into detail, but in essence, not every surgeon out there possesses the same technique. And as my time in New York dwindles, I want to spend the remainder learning that higher level of finesse and respect wherever possible. Even if it means driving an hour post call to do the case. I know that the delivery is not ideal, but somewhere in between his incongruous directions and requests for double-strength aspirin, he is actually trying to teach. Trying to direct me to that clean and perfect plane, not the easy plane that most surgeons settle for, but that plane one cell layer of tissue deeper that is pristine.

Love and Prayers.

50 days!!