Estoy enterrada.

 I was supposed to have time to study this week. Or even before getting to study, I was supposed to have time to catch up on paperwork, applications and presentations all with due dates looming over me. But that's just the thing with transplant, you can't predict when organs will become available. You can't really make plans, or you'll end up like me. I had planned to get my mountains of pending work done, and I am now a week later... still with none of it done. (Well, I did manage to squeeze one presentation in and off the list). 

I mentioned a difficult transplant on my first day on the service. By the time I was home post call from that liver, donor OR time for the next was already set. I went in early for the transplant, another difficult case taking all day. By the time we finished the donor OR for the next liver was set and the kidneys were starting to line up as well. The kidneys went all night long that day. Thankfully my co-chief who was on call stepped in for one of the kidneys so I could run home and take a nap. The following day liver and kidney were going simultaneously, I took the last kidney as it was for the same patient that I had just transplanted his liver the day before, and my rotator covered the liver transplant. I then waited for my attending to finish the liver so we could take our first liver transplant for a planned trip back to the OR. The same the next day as well. By that fourth day... I was seeing my attending start to crack. SEIGO is a machine. One of the other liver attendings, knows when he's reached his limit and calls is quits. Plus he has a huge elective practice that he has to spend time to keep up. He only lasted two livers long. Our kidney attendings, also know when to call it quits. Then there is one liver attending who is the newest to the practice and follows SEIGO's lead. He tried to keep up, but I noticed him start to nod off and have to take breaks. But SEIGO is a machine, he just keeps going, seemingly without sleep. I thought he was amazing!  But then, as I said, he started to crack. On the fourth day, during a long case with me, it actually scared me at first. He would spontaneously and suddenly look at me and scream, followed by a laugh. His hands were shaking and he frequently grunted. Then he started to repeat himself, asking questions that he had just asked two minutes before. But by the end of the case, I had slowly deciphered this new side of SEIGO. First, I finally recognized that he wasn't screaming, but it was actually his attempt at singing. Music is one of his escapes, one of his coping mechanisms. And while he's working, he frequently has a song going through his mind that he must suddenly and spontaneously let out. This song in his head does not always, in fact frequently does not actually match with the song currently playing on his play list. The more tired he is, the more he sings. Second the shaking and grunting, comes from plain old wear and tear on the human body. I realized, he is not machine, but merely man. Standing for hours, the physical toll on his body from bending over and holding the liver to work, he was physically in pain. Never complaining about it, but with every grunt, I could feel his pain. As for the repeated questions, at one point I was finally able to convince him to break scrub and grab a coffee quick. He could think a little bit clearer after that once again. I still think he's amazing, but not as a machine now, just as himself. 

I now have one day to attempt to get all of the work done that was supposed to happen this past week. But first sleep. I just hope I wake up again before Monday starts in order to do it!

Much Love and prayers!