Estoy triste.

Another ABSITE weekend behind me.
I noticed a difference this time in taking the test. It was not the hours I poured through my textbooks or the 1000s of practice questions I quizzed myself on.  It came from the actual experience of years of residency that kept coming to mind.
I would read a question and remember looking at some CT imaging with my attending, discussing the very topic the question was asking about. Or being in a case and experience some unintended bleeding, I’d replay the case in my head trying to remember what vessel my Attending had mentioned.
I’ll keep studying of course, trusting that one of these times the information will stick for good. But there’s something to be said for experience that can not be learned in a book.

I’m glad it’s past, can focus on life again for a little bit at least. Clean my apartment, take bleach to the coffee stains that are now months old... don’t judge!

I was looking forward to the Philippines. I was supposed to leave this Thursday, 1am, to fly to the Philippines for a week of a surgical clinic. Our chief of surgery goes every year and he had finally given into my constant requests of being able to go with him. For months, I’ve been working in anticipation of this trip. For the past 20 years, I’ve waited and worked where God put me. Waited and worked towards this goal. And after 20 years... I thought maybe I was getting a taste of no longer waiting, but finally going.  I finished my test on Saturday, turned my phone on and a text came through that our trip has been cancelled. Heartbroken and in shock, I called home to tell mom Happy birthday and to tell them the news. They in turn told me that my sister and all three nephews had been in a car accident, all were at the hospital and they’d let me know more information as it came.

There are bad days... and then there are bad days.

The idea of someone or something hurting the people I love, makes me want to go to battle. If it is in my power, I will stand in the way of anything to protect my family (immediate/church/work) where ever they are around this world. And if I can’t physically, well then on my knees at least. Between my family, and being denied the trip to the Philippines, I was oscillating quite rapidly between sadness, anger, failure, and confusion while frantically trying to collect the pieces of my heart.

I didn’t have to look far. Jesus was holding every last sliver, patiently waiting for me to take the time I needed to calm down, stand up again and move forward.

My family is all well and everyone is finally back home again. Thankful for God’s protection.
And I won’t go to the Philippines this week. I don’t know why, but I trust in my God and Saviour to direct my path as he sees fit. I will continue to learn, to work and to serve where I am. As much as I’d like to throw longsuffering out the window sometimes, even if He asks me to wait another 20 years. I will wait.

“But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us.  We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed;” 2 Co 4:7-9

Much Love.