While rotating at MidHudson they keep us on the resident call schedule down at Westchester. It honestly does not make much sense to do it that way as it means we are now on call every weekend, and unable to follow our patients up at MidHudson, but that's another conversation. My attending called me to come up to MidHudson for a case last Sunday. Not a bad thing, it was a big abdominal wall reconstruction case. It was a pretty impressive feat for my attending to undertake and required a bit of ingenuity and creativeness. At one point we had come to a pretty good closure and everyone was happy. But then someone suggested we could do better, and so we did more. I'll spare details, but you know that phrase that "better is the enemy of good?" That was the feeling I ultimately had at the end of the case. Time will now tell how it ends. Everyone is watching and waiting, without admitting the obvious that we are all secretly scared it's all going to fall apart. I pray to be pleasantly surprised.
Monday I had asked James if we could carpool and thank goodness because I woke up that morning quite sick. Felt better after some reverse peristalsis and thought I could handle the day. I got some zofran from the anesthesiologist and was able to successfully make it through my first case, but as the zofran wore off so did my reserve. Laid down my instruments in the second case with just enough time to make it out of the OR and yet again puke my guts out. Soooo embarrassing :( I tried scrubbing back in one more time and had to finally give it up for the day. I let James finish the rest of our cases while I sat in the back of the OR with a blanket wrapped as tight as I could to ward off the onsetting chills.
The following day I was able to get up and move around relatively trustworthy of myself again. We had mandatory mock orals down at Westchester that morning. So I left James to drive up to MidHudson by himself. To describe how I faired on the mock orals, the phrase 'blundering idiot' sounds about right. Even my attendings were appalled and openly disappointed in my performance. One of the rooms, they even asked me what was wrong. The fact that I was sick the day before and now weak, dehydrated and still food shy seemed like an acceptable excuse, definitely one they couldn't argue with. So I offered that up as "what was wrong." But inside, I know what a weakness I have in answering oral questions on the spot. I was blessed with that talent which enables one's mind to go absolutely blank when asked a point blank question. And on the rare occasion, my mind doesn't blank I then second guess myself until I scare myself out of answering anyways. Really, it's fantastic!
After emerging from mock orals I opened my books to study, and sent a message off to check in the James. The cases up at MidHudson were supposed to be about done for the day, but to my surprise there were still three cases pending. I left my books, grabbed my keys and made it up in time for the last two cases. Totally worth it.
The rest of the week was relatively benign. I was disappointed in not getting to be as involved in cases as I would have preferred. Had to fight back some nasty jealousy, which wasn't fun. I am starting to feel more comfortable on the robot though, so that is fun!
And then I was scheduled to be on call this past Saturday. I came in prepared for the worst. We all did. Kept waiting for the St. Patrick's day-induced onslaught of stupidity that took too much too far, but it never came. 06:05 am Sunday morning we all looked at each other after not having a single trauma the whole night, asking "what just happened?" And we had no answer, but felt content to leave it at that. On the other hand, I stiller left the hospital this morning with a new sourness settled deep in my stomach. Replaying decisions I had made over the course of the night, only able to come to the conclusion that shouldha', couldha', wouldha' are some of the best teachers.
So I started the week with a sour stomach and here I am still sour, and I'd like to finally be able to release it and move on. Easier said than done, but thank you for lending an ear anyways. :)
Here's a painting of the hospital I appreciated from one of the murals at MidHudson. Hudson River Valley really is a beautiful area!
And I finally filled up my record book so wanted to document the change in size difference of my old record now fat and filled with stickers from all my cases compared to the new record slim and trim waiting to likewise be filled with stickers and cases.
Much Love.
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