Estoy la torturador.

Have you ever had stomach pains so bad you were positive that your intestines were squeezing and twisting themselves? What happens when you wait a couple hours and the pain doesn't relent... You're nauseous and the waves of pain hit and you proceed to vomit your guts up. Still the pain doesn't relent. You try a sip of water, and vomit. You try tums or mylanta, and it no sooner hits your stomach that reverse peristalsis causes its swift evacuation again. Another couple of hours takes you into the middle of the night and you feel you are the only one unable to sleep. A bleary eyed and concerned loved one drives you to the closest ED where you are introduced to ME. I greet you with a smile and a reassuring line that you will get better. "80% of the time this resolves with conservative management," I tell you. And then I pull out the tube. I need your help and participation and can't do it without you. You graciously smile when you'd rather wring my neck, and spit back you feel like *%&@^$* and participation is last on your mind. Completely aware of what you're thinking, I take the tube anyways and up the nose it goes. Now you really hate me. But you're too tired to care anymore. The tube has just sucked out your stomach and it took your dignity with it.

About 80% of my patient's have those tubes currently. It's torture for them. It's torture for me. All they want is the tube out, and no matter how many times I say no. The next time they see me... perhaps they think my answer will be different, because they ask again. I am their tormentor.  She who pushed a tube down their nose.  And then she who won't let it come out again.

And thus my life has been for the past 11 days. Babysitting NG tubes. No OR time. I just wanted to run away. So the closest thing to it, that was acceptable. I went to get lunch. I handed the pager to the NP telling her I'd be right back and I left the floor. I grabbed a sandwich in the cafeteria then headed to the back corner, only to find my chief already sitting there. A quiet break ruined, I changed my strategy, and instead sat down across from him stating. "Send me to the OR. I can't do this anymore. Give me some OR time."

Maybe by the time I'm out, it'll finally be okay to take the tubes out. Then I can be the one who ended the torture, rather than the one who started and prolonged it.

Much Love.