Prospero Año y Felicidad

I realized today that my Merry Christmas post did not publish last week. A thousand apologies for that.  But to make up for it, you get two posts today!  Feliz Navidad AND Prospero Año y Felicidad! Honestly, I didn't plan for it to be like that ;) (you can Click to go to the other post.)

I've been getting everything ready to move back to NY this afternoon. I'm expecting an intense night at the hospital tonight. There's been ambulances lined up at the hospital all afternoon. I'm only expecting it to get worse. We'll see how it goes. 

As for the End of Another Year. 2014. It passed.  It is a blur in my mind. Anything over 6 months ago seems like a different lifetime. Sometimes I'm amazed.  I don't understand why God blessed me with this opportunity. And I don't understand for what end it will all come to. Perhaps 2015 will shed some more light on that subject.

It is very clear that I, of myself, do not possess the love required to fulfill the role that I am currently attempting to fill. Daily requiring me to draw on the unending fountain of love that is Jesus. Sometimes I miss. I confess, I've kicked a chair. Slammed the phone down in its cradle multiple times. Wanted to throw the pager up against the wall countless times. Been caught muttering/venting under my breath going up the stairs when I had thought I was alone in the stairwell. But each of those times I've missed the fountain He's come after and drawn me back.

I finally came to the first patient that I stopped on just this past week. I won't go into details as to the work that had been put into the care of this patient. But in the end the patient and patient's family spat in my face, refusing to recognize anything that had been done for them. Refusing to accept any of their options.  And refusing to work with us in any way, shape or form. I finally got to the point that I politely excused myself.  I went and washed my face.  And my hands. I was done. I let someone else take over.
1 patient in 6 months....that's kind of acceptable no? yes? no?

I wonder if Jesus ever got that same sour feeling after dealing with those most unpleasant.  It probably made him sad more so than sour.  Sad that he couldn't help. Sad that they were so angry.  Why are they so angry?

I could not do this on my own, and am thankful that each day I step into the hospital, I am not alone. I marvel that so many of my colleagues are attempting to make it on their own, relying on their own strength.  But then again it does not surprise me to hear of the reliance on drugs those same residents possess. They joke that each residency has its 'drug of choice.' And now and again you hear of another resident that has OD'ed somewhere. It makes me want to love my co-residents even more.

Wanted to end 2014 with one more thing. My favorite song of 2014. I love the pictures that it gives. 'radiant diamonds bursting inside that we cannot contain' and then 'blazing wile fire'. I think that was the one that caught my attention the most. A wild fire is typically synonymous with destruction, perhaps to the point of loss of life. I was struck that they would choose such a topic to associate with God's love. And yet it is true, God's love exists beyond destruction, beyond loss, beyond darkness. It is unending and forever.  That even amidst destruction, loss and darkness you can hear nature itself singing His name. There is only one thing I actually know. I know that I love Jesus. and pray that my hallelujahs may somehow, someday be multiplied.

Multiplied by NEEDTOBREATHE.

Your love is like radiant diamonds
Bursting inside us we cannot contain
Your love will surely come find us
Like blazing wild fires singing Your name.

God of mercy sweet love of mine
I have surrendered to Your design
May this offering stretch across the skies
And these Halleluiahs be multiplied.

Much Love.
Psalm 113:3 From the rising of the sun unto the going down of the same the Lord's name is to be praised.

Feliz Navidad

Merry Christmas!

The holiday held many new firsts for me this year.  For example, I got to find out what it means to be away from any family for Christmas.

And I had an epiphany!

December 25, 2014 was like any other day. What does that mean? Well... it depends on what every other day is like?

In other words, do you live every day like it's Christmas Day?

Take the opportunity to daily love someone unexpecting, a patient, a child, the elderly lady passing through the door behind you.  Be sure to recognize and forgive all frustrations. Stop to focus on what's most important. Give without counting.
What is Christmas Day to you?

I wish you all a lifetime full of Christmas Days.

Merry Christmas!

Much Love.

Estoy descansando.

I am so thankful to be sitting. My feet extended in front of me on the foot rest. I'm resting.  I'm so thankful to be able to rest for this quiet short moment.

This week at the hospital, my intern counterpart was on her week of nights.  So the job that is typically done by two interns was left to me.  I went into the week, knowing it was going to be intense, with a goal for the week of 25 discharges.  That number had already been reached by Tuesday.  A 'discharge' isn't just a pat on the back and good-bye. From the perspective of the care provider, a 'discharge' is potentially a mountain of work. Coordination between consulting services, providing proper follow-up information, providing correct discharge medications, putting in discharge orders on time, and of course the discharge summary and paperwork. A discharge could take 15min (no consults, no medications, short hospital stay), but that is a rarity. Every single day this week I was at the hospital until late finishing up all my discharges from the day. Finally drag myself home at the end of the day feeling like I'd just spent the day skiing or something. Legs stiff. Feet hurting. Utterly exhausted. To get up in a few too short hours to go and do it all again.
 
By the end of the week, a 24 hour period away from it all, is potentially life-saving.  At the minimum sanity-saving. Which is why I'm so thankful to be sitting still right now.

I'm sorry to sound like I'm whining.  Perhaps I am.  Feel sorry for meeeeee. pitty meeeee. waaaaa. But please don't. It's just exhaustion speaking. And the disappointment that I couldn't be with my friends last night.  This is the process of residency.  This is the job.  These are the sacrifices that have been made, and will continue to be made.

I managed to get a few cases in this week.  Not as many as in previous weeks.  My seniors were all interns at one point in time.  No one said anything but one look at the floor list, and they knew what it ment.  Except for those few cases, most days they didn't even think about assigning me any OR time.  Friday, the 4th year assigned me to a Plastics case, and did so specifically as a reward (without actually saying it like that).  I like the reconstruction cases I've done with plastics, and I like the Plastics attending at St. Vinny's.  We don't necessarily have to work with him, but we like too.  And I couldn't even make the case. He saw me on the floor after the case was already over, and called me out on it.  "You were supposed to scrub with me! Things busy on the floor?" And he understood.  He might be the only Attending that would ever understand, accept, and forgive that.  And I hope I never have to abuse that fact again.

I get to go to church this weekend!!!!! I start my week of nights next week.  So I'm off Sunday day and will be able to make it to church. Just have to leave after to get back in time to get to work on time Sunday night.

Estoy comiendo dulce navideño.

You'll find residents that really like their months at St. Vincent's.  You'll also find residents that more or less dread their months at St. Vincent's.  I would consider myself as part of the first group.  However, that being said, I can understand the dread.  For example, I am dreading what I'm going to find waiting for me when I go in tomorrow morning. St. Vincent's has an oddly nice way of kicking you while you're down.  If such kicking could ever be considered 'nice'?

There's no trick to handling the type of work that kicks you while you're down.  You just can't stop.  You can't give up. Because if you paused for a second, you'd be buried so quickly and deeply, well.....good luck digging yourself out of that one. And you can't get discouraged.  No one ever recognizes the progress made.  No one ever says 'good job' or 'well done.' But that doesn't mean progress wasn't made, that you didn't do a good job.  It just means that such progress is expected, and that a 'job well done' is the level of performance you should already be performing at.  It should be the normal.  And therefore 'normal' isn't recognized. I don't know if I quite agree with that mentality.  Jury's still out....but it's leaning towards the disagree.  In the meantime, I continue to daily encourage. With a little help from my friends. :)

Much Love.

Estoy reafirmada.

My first day back at Bridgeport went about 95.7% better than my previous first day. I got many smiles and "welcome back's" from nurses and attendings alike. And they remembered my name! It is so reaffirming to find out that you are remembered by name and welcomed back with a smile.

As always, Bridgeport is busy, busy, busy. The other intern with me this month is M. Bravo. Did I ever show you a picture?  I can't remember so just in case...

  

 Dzeba, myself and Bravo.  W.O.W. = Women Of Westchester

 We work with efficiency.  Efficiency spelled with an A.  A for A Team. ;)  

Or as Dzeba would say, We keep it Poppington!

.....Yes, we are responsible adults ;)

Getting used to my new team at Bridgeport. First time I've worked with this particular Chief Resident. He's much more serious with tendency towards micro-management. Method of working with definite pros and cons, but as interns, not really our position to comment on either, and so we just deal.  Perhaps an eye roll here or there when we are called to the lounge to run the list yet again, but it is what it is. So we go, run the list, and keep our chief happy. Hence why efficiency with an 'A' is necessary in order to get the job done and on time despite regular interruptions. 

Much Love.