Estoy tomando cafe.

 My life has been looking a lot like a coffee shop lately. Hood up, earphones in, computer open, hot cuppa in hand. One could loose sight of me as I fade into the surroundings. My call schedule has been rather light as of late. Originally I had attempted to alter that, offered to take my partners calls, etc. But nothing seemed to result from my efforts. Now with oral boards less than two weeks away, I appreciate how wise my Savior is, even when I lack the understanding. In other words, I'm no longer pestering my partners to take their calls, I'm spending what time I can to study. I'll be honest, the oral boards is giving me severe Imposter Syndrome. I took a Mock Oral exam the other day. Couple things I realized. 1)There definitely is a right answer  2) Even if you give them the right answer, they'll still throw a curve ball at you next  3)There isn't any time to second guess an answer

I finished my mock oral and immediately started texting my old Attendings from back at Westchester, asking if they would be willing and available to give me more mock orals. Thus far they've been willing. One of them offered that he could do it right then. I could have, but at the same time I couldn't. Which I didn't even attempt to give a reason, just responded that I wasn't available at the moment. Maybe mentally unavailable, that way it wasn't a lie. And then hating myself for being such a coward, I went for a run. 

You'd think with all the interviews and 'first days' I've been through, all the M&M's I've stood up and presented, and all the patients I've introduced myself to, it should have gotten easier along the way. And it did, it definitely was easier at the end. Just doesn't feel like it right now, but I can't imagine facing orals without those seven years of M&Ms under my belt first. 

Cafe Literato

Fuel at Five Points

Fuel West 

I wasn't joking before. Totally left more than one butt imprint in the faded red cushions on those chairs. There's also a Starbucks or two in the mix. Depends on my mood that morning, and where I am in the rotation of coffeeshops. Can't visit a single one too often, someone might come to recognize me, or worse, expect me! Oy vey, that would be too close to conversation for comfort! ;) j/k

My oral board exam is scheduled for Monday Oct 11 in the afternoon.

Much Love.

Estoy aqui.

 It is a truth universally acknowledged, that Mid-Westerners are nice. It happened often in New York that, when finding out I am originally from Illinois, I'd get a response along the lines of "figures" or "I was going to guess that!" And honestly, that was probably prompted, just because I had said "please" or "thank you" or something along those lines. Which just goes to argue that it takes very little to be nice, and the World could benefit from more of it. But that'll quickly take us deep down a different rabbit hole, so back to the population of the MidWest. Yes, it is generally true that everyone is nice here in Lafayette, IN. Of course, there are your outliers, but I have yet to meet them. Seriously, even my drunk trauma patients, politely ask if we serve any beer. (*facepalm*). 

There is a phrase I have heard often these past two months. I find it funny, because I can remember the phrase used in general conversation growing up in Illinois, and never once thought anything about it. But I never heard it in New York, and it hits me every time now. "There she is" It is used as a greeting, replacing the generally accepted "Hello" or "Good morning," etc. It is usually said with an emphasis on there and the is drawn out like isss. "There she isss" It is the most popular greeting I get from patients, sometimes when I walk into their hospital room, but definitely when I walk into the exam room during clinic. I'll be honest, it caught me off guard initially. And it caused me a bit of distress as I half-panicked over-thinking the phrase and what they could have possibly ment. I mean, they had come to clinic to see me, where did they think I was going to be? And quite honestly, I know their insides pretty intimately... did they really think they could get rid of me that easily? Truthfully, at first I wasn't quite sure how to respond. But after its repeated use, always said with a smile, I began to realize my mistake and that my hesitation and concern was unfounded. They are, in fact, just saying "Hello" (the *facepalm* is for me this time).

There she is. Ha! Tickles me every time now.

Much Love.

 

Estoy pidiendo.

 There was a coldness in the room that presented itself like a frigid shoulder when I walked in. I was there, more out of formality, I could have offered the plan without physically seeing her. But as I introduced myself, my usual attempt at reassurance did nothing to penetrate the fear in her eyes. Her mask, a meager half attempt, served more as a distraction as she focused on drawing in her next breath of oxygen. I conducted my interview and spoke to her, doing my best to maintain that afore mentioned level of reassurance. But I'll admit, I was one quarter distracted by her mask which refused to stay put, and three quarters distracted by her nurse. Dressed in full PPE, she busied herself in a flurry of movements doing her best to keep her back to us, and when she was mid-turn, took care never to make eye contact. But with that brief look towards her face I didn't blame her for keeping her back to us. She faithfully carried out her job, but her face betrayed her. In that brief moment I glimpsed a mask I've never seen before, and struggle to describe. It was the source of coldness filling the room, and tension, made thick by a combination of hurt, hate, and frustration. As I renewed my attention to wrap up my interview, I could not find a shred of understanding in her scared eyes. She had no idea what she was causing to rise up in her nurse. Completely clueless to how her actions were affecting those around her. Completely self-focused without understanding how her community on a grander scale was affected by her. I finally stripped my PPE and exited.

Let me describe this in a different scenario taking any and all viruses out of the picture, because there is so much false information and conspiracy out there that it's not at all surprising that Dick and Jane can't tell Spot from ball or up from down anymore. 

Let's look at alcohol. There are laws in place which we as citizens must abide by. There is a drinking age and a blood alcohol limit. Where did the age of 21 come from, or a blood alcohol concentration of 0.08 come from? Or better yet, why were those laws needed? They were advocated for and put into place for protection of not only the individual choosing to drink, but for every person around that individual as well. They were put into place not only to save the life of the individual choosing to drink, but to save the life of every person around that individual. That law was put into place not out of a desire to restrict, but a desire to protect, a desire to prevent death not only for the individual, but for every human being surrounding that individual. A desire to protect the community as a whole. Now we are the land of the free, and boy do we love our freedoms. We love our freedom so much that we almost daily exercise our freedom to stand up and demand more freedom. And more. And more. We are so incredibly free that we have the freedom to disregard the laws countless mothers have advocated for and drink under the age of 21 and beyond the bac limit of 0.08 and then drive. And because we have that freedom, a mother will never get to hug her 4 year old son again. And because of that freedom, 74 year old grandma and 75 year old grandpa will eventually be able to leave the hospital, but only by living out the last of their days in a nursing home. 

Our government respecting our demands for freedom is a huge blessing. And with huge blessing comes huge responsibility. The protection of our communities, of our neighbors, of our families and of the strangers we pass by on the street has now become our individual responsibility. I would be the first to admit I struggle with selfishness, but we are. We as Americans, because we live in such a blessed country, with freedom, have become so unbelievably selfish that we don't even realize how selfish we are. We are blind to how living in a community is affected by an individual decision. Whether its a decision to drink and drive, a decision to buckle our seat belt when in a vehicle, a decision to pay our taxes, or a decision to wash our hands with soap after using the restroom. It's never just about you. It's about community. 

It's never just about you. It's about community. If not for you... do it for that nurse. 

Talk to me.

Much Love.