No one ever said it would be easy. I wasn't expecting it to be so. I was thankful for a gentle start, but knew it would end. Maybe... I wasn't expecting it to end quite so soon. There's a handful of cases I have to thank for the growing ulcer in my gut.
There is a new and overwhelming desire I have to heal my patients that was not previously there. I can do my cleanest and quickest work, my best work, taking care to set up the conditions to give each patient their best chance to be successful at recovery. But then we leave the OR, and I have to let them go. I have to trust that they will heal, heal well, and return home to their loved ones again.
I'll go over their numbers multiple times a day, checking to catch any less then ideal value, and fix it. Again, doing what is within my ability create the optimal conditions in order for them to be successful. But what I really want to do is beyond my power, I can't heal for them. I expressed my conundrum to my partner the other day, and all he had to do was nod. He then inquired as to the current state of my ulcer diathesis. Something tells me he remembers being in my position all too well.
There is only one conclusion.
I am glad that August is over. It has been good. It has been humbling.
I pray that God can continue to mold these hands to do his will, to do his work, and then permit me to entrust our patients to His perfect care.
Much Love.
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