"I'm tired." I confessed to my attending. We were finishing up amputating a few toes last night, and I could have closed my eyes and fallen asleep right then and there. I hadn't had time to refuel with coffee throughout the day, so it was almost midnight, and I was just... tired.
It's been full the past couple of weeks. Extra call due to my co-chiefs being gone. Busy in the OR. Dealing with unhappy residents, and passive aggressive attendings. Transition of services. I am now chief of the Acute Care Surgery service (a.k.a. emergency general surgery). Making it on time to all of my zoom interviews for fellowship, post-call hair and all! Each of these topics I could unbottle about, but time has demanded me to keep on moving, and thus I resort to the above sentence fragments and summarize them with "I'm tired." My attending nodded in agreement to my confession last night as my physical clinical presentation at the time reflected that description. I didn't elaborate beyond that, and let him believe it stopped with my needing a nap.
I had another candle lit in heaven last week. Next confession: I struggled with... am struggling with this one, more than usual. It wasn't the first patient I had die, and won't be the last, but it was much more humbling for reasons that I won't elaborate on such a public forum.
Medicine has an uncanny, and at times, almost brutal way, of keeping me humble. I'm left analyzing my efforts to perform what is physiologically right and technically perfect, are they all for nothing? My desire to help and not hurt, again is it all for nothing?
I confess to myself, as much as I confessed to my attending, and I confess to you now. I am tired. I am not perfect. I am lacking, and I have need.
I confess out of an effort of self-help, that I can come to accept my newly lit candle with respect rather than fear, and that I can keep it safe.
I find it harder to stand up for my team and my patients as a leader and chief resident, when I know the truth to be as I confessed above. Makes me wish it could be June 2021 already that much more, but alas time only passes one day at a time. So I pick myself up, I smile, and I keep going, trusting in God's wisdom and Jesus's love.
Much love and prayers.
1 comment:
Praying for you - That you can get some rest spiritually, mentally and physically! And that you can feel God's presence and His grace and strength for each new day.
I enjoy reading your updates. Thanks for sharing and taking the time to post! God bless you!!
Post a Comment