Underneath the masks and behind the shields the same familiar eyes look back at me, but the hospital is hardly recognizable anymore. This isn't what anyone had planned. And if you look long enough at those eyes, you'll see what they're all trying to hide. This has never been seen before.
I have never seen anything like this. I have seen a traumatic brain injury patient's brain start to herniate and loose all ability to auto-regulate itself, core temperatures reaching 107+, cooking themselves from the inside out. I have seen a patient become horridly septic from an infection, their bodies releasing floods of acute phase reactants causing chaos and ending in multi-organ failure. But this virus... it does it all, and it does it fast.
With no cure, it's all supportive medicine that we are able to provide. When the lungs, can no longer be lungs...we can intubate and ventilate. When the kidneys, can no longer be kidneys, we can dialyze. When the heart, can no longer be a heart we can perform chest compressions. And so on, and so forth. But when it all happens at the same time.... with patients lined up to follow suit...
Our units are full, but the cases are still coming. On call the other night, we had three deaths in our COVID units, and that was just our units I'm not sure about the others. By morning, all three rooms already had patients slotted to fill them. My Attending admitted that we have to average a certain number of deaths daily in order to keep up with the cases coming in. One of my co-resident's wife is a Palliative Care Attending in the city at Columbia, where they have a COVID palliative unit. Patients coming in that go straight to palliation rather than intubation, etc. In short... the curve is not flat enough.
The hospital tells us that we are supposed to wear our masks for at least a week. On call the other day was my fourth day of that particular N95, and it kept breaking on me. I'd tie it back together and pretend like it was still doing its job. It broke for the fourth time when I was in the ED in the middle of a procedure. I walked through the ED unprotected with broken N95 in hand, and had them show me where their masks were locked up so I could get a new one. They couldn't deny me a new mask before my week was up that way.
That same call we had a trauma come in, transfer from an outside hospital with a brain injury. He had walked to the post office yesterday, healthy guy out to enjoy some fresh air. On his walk home he had fallen and hit his head. When he came to us, he was stable, even from a brain injury perspective. On CXR my co-resident pointed to his left lung field and said it looked like COVID. The patient had no symptoms, and in denial I chalked it up to my co-resident being jumpy. However, due to concern for rib fracture and contusion a CT chest was obtained... his lungs were filled with COVID consistent findings. Test was run, and by morning he was positive and one of the patient's slotted to take one of the newly opened beds in our COVID units. He was healthy, asymptomatic and had just walked to the post office spreading COVID the whole way. The hospital is now starting to test all traumas for COVID.
This morning, when I scrolled through social media, I was filled with a new feeling. For the first time instead of frustration, I was relieved and encouraged to be reminded that the vast majority of people in this world are healthy, and that their biggest worry is being bored, or stress about home-schooling, etc. That I needed to take a step back from the 3% of the 1% and breathe.
I think again of those eyes looking back at me from behind mask and shield. There's a deeper thought they're all trying to hide. Deeper than this has never been seen before. The fact that we are not in control, are merely reacting to what continues coming. The frontliners of this war, are not the frontliners of the various battles being raged around the globe. Those willing to take to knee and pray are the true frontliners. We all have the opportunity to fight this on the frontlines. Pray on behalf of the healthcare workers, the scientists, the parents coming to the end of their patience, the newly unemployed, etc. Pray for humanity.
Much Love and Prayer.
PS still asymptomatic.
3 comments:
We are praying for you, all healthcare workers, and all the affected. We are long time readers, my wife is from Gridley, and we know your parents from young group days. Keep faith in the Great Healer, keep your light shining, and keep blogging! Have your parents reach out to the local hog farmers, contractors, and fertilizer people. They usually keep a supply of N95 masks as well as latex and nitrile gloves.
Praying for you Christy. Thank you for sharing your heart and faith through your blog. The trials are so big but God's grace is sufficient.
Thank you for sharing, Christy. I am praying for you, the city of New York, and so many others around the world during this time. I have long been fascinated by your blog; as a former ICU nurse ("retired" to become a stay-at-home mom), I find your experiences and insights interesting and frequently relatable -- sometimes in gut-wrenching ways. To my knowledge we have never met, but I stumbled upon your blog years back, since we share a mutual friend or two from the Young Group. I pray that you reflect the light and love of Christ each day to those around you, and I pray you stay healthy! Please keep blogging. :)
Brittany
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