Estoy triste.

Another ABSITE weekend behind me.
I noticed a difference this time in taking the test. It was not the hours I poured through my textbooks or the 1000s of practice questions I quizzed myself on.  It came from the actual experience of years of residency that kept coming to mind.
I would read a question and remember looking at some CT imaging with my attending, discussing the very topic the question was asking about. Or being in a case and experience some unintended bleeding, I’d replay the case in my head trying to remember what vessel my Attending had mentioned.
I’ll keep studying of course, trusting that one of these times the information will stick for good. But there’s something to be said for experience that can not be learned in a book.

I’m glad it’s past, can focus on life again for a little bit at least. Clean my apartment, take bleach to the coffee stains that are now months old... don’t judge!

I was looking forward to the Philippines. I was supposed to leave this Thursday, 1am, to fly to the Philippines for a week of a surgical clinic. Our chief of surgery goes every year and he had finally given into my constant requests of being able to go with him. For months, I’ve been working in anticipation of this trip. For the past 20 years, I’ve waited and worked where God put me. Waited and worked towards this goal. And after 20 years... I thought maybe I was getting a taste of no longer waiting, but finally going.  I finished my test on Saturday, turned my phone on and a text came through that our trip has been cancelled. Heartbroken and in shock, I called home to tell mom Happy birthday and to tell them the news. They in turn told me that my sister and all three nephews had been in a car accident, all were at the hospital and they’d let me know more information as it came.

There are bad days... and then there are bad days.

The idea of someone or something hurting the people I love, makes me want to go to battle. If it is in my power, I will stand in the way of anything to protect my family (immediate/church/work) where ever they are around this world. And if I can’t physically, well then on my knees at least. Between my family, and being denied the trip to the Philippines, I was oscillating quite rapidly between sadness, anger, failure, and confusion while frantically trying to collect the pieces of my heart.

I didn’t have to look far. Jesus was holding every last sliver, patiently waiting for me to take the time I needed to calm down, stand up again and move forward.

My family is all well and everyone is finally back home again. Thankful for God’s protection.
And I won’t go to the Philippines this week. I don’t know why, but I trust in my God and Saviour to direct my path as he sees fit. I will continue to learn, to work and to serve where I am. As much as I’d like to throw longsuffering out the window sometimes, even if He asks me to wait another 20 years. I will wait.

“But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellency of the power may be of God, and not of us.  We are troubled on every side, yet not distressed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; Persecuted, but not forsaken; cast down, but not destroyed;” 2 Co 4:7-9

Much Love.

Estoy estudiando.

Thankful to have made the transition onto another service. Surgical Oncology. Thus far the experience has been much more fruitful and beneficial to my growth as a surgical resident than what I just came from. I've never been on the Surg Onc service before. The service was created last year when no PGY3 rotated on the service, so now as a PGY4, its been a long time coming.

Both last service and now again on surg onc, my team members have consistented of prelim residents who occasionally disappear on me to fly off to an interview. More than once they've been gone simultaneously leaving me to manage all aspects of the team by my lonesome.  I can handle the work, I can get it done more efficiently on my own than if I had the whole team.  speaking from experience. But it's much more fun to be part of a team.  That being said, if some of my current team members put as much effort into their work as they do trying to get out of their work.... everyone would be so much better off.
I almost willingly give extra days off, and just do the work myself. I can then trust that it is done. My Attendings are more relaxed, and I don't have to listen to complaining. Everyone is happier.
When do you get to label someone as not teachable? Should I keep trying?

To be honest, I have been half distracted from work lately anyways. ABSITE is now less than a week away, so trying to get as much last minute studying time crammed in takes up priority 2, 3,  4 & 5.

Some co-residents and I have taken to setting up at a nearby coffeehouse. Muddy Water. Leaving only when they are finally trying to lock the doors. It really helps me with staying off of social media/cellphone. Its a busy coffeehouse, and I am taking up a coveted table spot. I need to prove to myself and all the other customers that I deserve that table spot.  It ends up being a very productive few hours whenever we go. 

(did not realize that guy was in the picture until I was cropping it. whoops.)

Much Love.

Estoy listo para cosas nuevas.

Happy New Year! Happy New Decade!

Eager to find out what the Lord has in store for us. What will I learn new? How will this world change?  Time will tell.

No big resolutions for myself. I did make a goal for myself. I want to make sleep a higher priority. I always sacrifice sleep so I can study more, get paperwork done, etc. I find that I usually waste at least 60minutes a day, which is why sleep gets sacrificed. I theorize that if I give myself a hard stop on getting work done so I can go to bed, will I be able to be more efficient at cutting back on time that I waste every day? Time will tell.

I am currently sitting at the Honda dealership. Was very proud of myself yesterday, that I remembered to call and make an appointment for my car today. Without the appointment, I knew (from experience) that I would have either stayed at the hospital and done surgery or just gone home and allowed myself to sleep today post call. Maybe, would have stopped by after waking up, but once again from experience, I know how easily I prioritize other things. Especially right now. So, by making myself an appointment I had to 1) go home post call and then 2) set an alarm to wake up again. I made it only about 15 minutes late. When I looked up my last trip to take care of my car, I was rather surprised. Don’t ask me, because I won’t tell you anyways. The rep working with my case is very professionally keeping his opinions to himself and staying factual. Here’s hoping this keeps me on the road for a little while longer!

Taking care to take care!
Much Love!