Estoy ajustando.

I think I've figured it out. You know the annoying tag-a-long little sister... That's my new role as a 3rd year intern. It's not exactly fun, and most definitely unsatisfying.  For example, once you have done a whole laparoscopic cholecystectomy from start to finish yourself, it's more than a little difficult to content yourself with merely retracting the fundus of the gallbladder for someone else. Or, you're finally feeling comfortable sticking for lines on your own, capable to handle the difficult sticks and trouble shoot the snafoos, and now you suddenly have no claim over any line, but must stand by while someone else gets the stick. It's a bit hard to explain, but in a way it's almost painful to only get to watch. I know it would be much easier and less painful to go about my intern duties and not bother seeking out procedures being done. But the idea and fear of loosing what little technical ability I currently have out-ways the difficulty of watching someone else take the stick. So I continue to pester my seniors, asking to be present for any and all procedures, and as I watch, I mentally go through each step myself.

The last two years have blurred together. I am not sure of what I learned when, or of how much I have changed. Wasn't even sure I had changed, but interacting with my fellow interns every night and morning during sign outs is illustrating for me those subtle ways in which I am different. NONE of which I am proud or even happy to realize. Jaded, with complete lack of faith in the system, which I had made such a conscious effort to avoid. But I've watched over the past weeks as my fellow interns have started to lose the stars in their eyes. Already, at the very beginning, the process wearing them down. Their disappointed looks when they get a glimpse at the difference between what they thought this was and what reality is.  And the fact that I am recognizing the process in them, tells me I too went through the process without even realizing it. How much more will this effect me? Based on what I was saying earlier, I would venture to say that this year is most likely going to be my most difficult year of residency. Not the hardest, but the most difficult.

I do my best to keep things encouraging in the 4th floor conference room. Pep talks and cheers of congratulations for my fellow interns when and where appropriate. I play music for them all by logging onto my Pandora station and taking requests. Oddly enough the most commonly requested is my Spanish station. And we manage to laugh at the events of the day. One evening as the trauma interns were leaving they signed out a chest tube that had just been placed. I asked if either of them had gotten to place the tube. "No," they sadly responded. "But!," one of them said his face brightening back up, "I got to place the dressing!!"

Cracking up!! Finding excitement in the little things! Interns get the crumbs. We'll take the crumbs!

Much Love.