When 2024 rolled around dictating it was time for Jake and I to return to work, we went albeit begrudgingly. I sent him a text that first day back in reality, in a way I had said, it felt like we were finally starting the rest of our lives. December had been a bubble, very nice and very needed in many different ways, but a lovely little bubble nonetheless.
It again amazes me at how easy the transition has been. Even living in a house, let alone actually owning that house, something I never thought I would do; an easy and happy transition. Returning to work after a month of no call and no operating is easy to pick up again. Kind of like how they say... riding a bike; easy to pick it up and get moving again. I can't really use that phase for married life as it's a first time living such a life. Yet it feels natural and normal as if I've always loved Jake.
As natural as work can be to pick up again, "like riding a bike" I said above. I am finally experiencing how my work effects my life outside of work in a new way. Spending your entire day post call wondering if you had made the right decision for a patient, worry planted firmly in the back of your mind, is not so easy to hide anymore and affects more than just me. Same way as post call tiredness, is no longer just something I have to ignore.
I also was experiencing a slight emotional crisis from work the past few days. Second guessing a decision I had made, had me undermining if I could even trust my "gut" anymore. At least half of my post-call exhaustion came from the mental merry-go-round that one patient had caused me. In the end, my "gut" had been correct. Patient still needed surgery, but I at least had reasoned correctly in my decision. I can therefore still rely on my years of past experiences to bring expertise or "gut" into my decision making going forward. Granted, I know that wrong decisions lay ahead of me, as few as I pray those may be, but even so, I should be able to bring my past experiences from which I've learned to help decision-making going forward. One incorrect decision will not change that, as long as I own the decision I've made. (lesson learned from 4th year residency). So the crisis of the past few days could be viewed as overly dramatic and unnecessary, but nevertheless it was felt. Thankfully all's well that ends well.
Stay warm!
Much Love.
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