Estoy cansada.

I’ve learned that I am not allowed to complain. Especially in the presence of nurses. Even if you’re just trying to empathize with a group of complaining nurses, they’ll shut you down right fast. Wag a finger at you saying, “you signed up for it.”
So I’ve learned to simply listen intently and agree with whatever they need my assent on. And no matter how I’m feeling, or the day is actually going, when asked, the appropriate response is always, “Living the Dream.”

Most of the time, it’s the truth. But then sometimes, it’s about all you can do to look straight and keep calm. For me, those times come when I’m already baseline exhausted. As a surgical resident, we will acknowledge that we walk around the hospital with baseline GCS14. (Ideal is GCS15, we lack that last point due to constant state of confusion and lack of orientation to time) But when I can’t seem to clear the exhaustion fog, work gets blown out of proportion in my mind.

It happens to us all. This month, the intern and I ran ragged keeping the vascular ship afloat. My studying time has severely suffered. Next month is looking like it will be more of the same. Living the dream! Living the dream!

Much Love.

Estoy orando.

I had a patient declare my doppelgänger to be Amelia Earhart today. We had just finished our case during which I had deployed a filter within his inferior vena cava. But had only used a bunch of local to do so, therefore he supposedly was considered to be at his baseline of alert and oriented x 3. The last time someone tried to assign my doppelgänger as a Russian American actress, my family immediately veto’d that idea.

He persisted with his statement that I looked like Amelia Earhart, until I flipped him up on his side in order to move him off the OR table. Despite the usual warning, the movement startled him. To which the Anesthesiologist reassured him, “don’t worry, she’s never dropped anyone.... yet.” Either way, we were finally distracted away from any supposed look alike.

My chief told me not to come to the hospital this past Friday. I’ll be honest that it caught me off guard, and I was hesitant at first. But when I was able to collect what it ment... 48 hrs away from the hospital... I didn’t dare argue with that, opting instead to hold my breath until it became reality. After leaving the hospital Thanksgiving night I packed a bag and fled. I spent two whole days up with family and friends in CT. Much fellowship, great conversations, good food (Thanksgiving left-overs included) and some time to study! In the absence of being able to attend church, it definitely did my soul good.

Much Love.

Estoy una chica aburrida.

You know the phrase “all work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.” A proverb,  been floating around for a couple of hundred years. Who knows where it actually originated from. Maybe was even some kid trying to explain to Mom why the chores aren’t done. Doesn’t really matter.
I wonder, has anyone ever asked if maybe Jack was just a dull boy to start with?

Residency has a sort of monotony to it. My friends all periodically move, or change jobs, or have another kid. Something new, and I’m still here, just working. Makes my life dull in all appearances. But on top of that, God granted me a rather dull personality to begin with. I learned years ago that it is best to be friends with funny people. Then all I have to do is laugh and we get along great. And I love laughing, so makes it easy for everyone.

That’s not to say I never make a joke. Why just the other day I tried my hand at it. Granted the Attending took me seriously and then I had to backpedal pretty hard to reassure him that I had, in fact, only been joking. Fail #1. And then later that day when I was recounting the interaction to my team in hopes of maybe getting a secondhand laugh at least, my chief, who is the Ukrainian soldier amongst our crew, without looking at me simply responded, “Don’t joke.” Fail #2.

On the other hand...

I once had one of my medical students look at me and say, “You know... if someone called you and said “The world is ending!!! You’d calmly respond, “okay, meet me in 5 minutes, and we’ll discuss.”

There’s many different personalities in this world. And with a little bit of faith it’s easy to see just how well orquestrated it can be. We can use our different strengths to work together. I must concede, and let others make the jokes. After all, they need people to laugh at the joke, same as I need someone to make the joke. We all have our roles.

In the end, I know there’s no hope in challenging a proverb that hundreds of years old. But, what’s wrong with Jack being dull?

Much Love.

Estoy escondiendo historias.

There were random spackles of raindrops when I left my apartment this morning. But with each step there was an audible crescendo, until an all out downpour was chasing me in through the trauma bay doors. I tilted my head forward and the rain I’d caught on my way in dripped down my nose in a steady stream. Just another day.

Sometimes I have stories that I keep to myself. Stories I’ll never forget, each with their own treasure. I say that to perhaps give myself an excuse for not sharing anything the past while. The stories have been for me alone.

But in all honesty, I feel as if a cloud of gloom is currently settled over Westchester surgery residents. Can’t seem to shake it. May just be myself, and wanting a weekend, and then projecting my own gloom onto my co-workers. But even that is beyond my abilities of diagnostic psychiatry. Just going to have to start by smiling more myself.

Much Love.

Estoy operando.

By the time I got home from the hospital last night, I was so thankful at the prospect of being able to sleep in today I could have cried from happiness.
Things are really busy right now. Transitioned to the Vascular Surgery service with the change of the month. My new team unfortunately inherited a mess as the outgoing residents, nice people, but horribly unorganized. We kept our heads above water though. Always do.

Even though I end up being exhausted, chronically dehydrated, and gnawing away at a stomach ulcer.. really busy is actually really good as it means that I am operating.

This week...
I got to reconstruct a patient's abdominal wall using pig bladder.

I got to sew a graft into a patient's arm. I had worked with this particular attending once before on the same operation. Last time, as the Attending hit a nerve causing the patient's arm to jump, it spooked us both causing us to jump in reaction and she therefore then blamed me for the whole thing. This time when she hit the nerve, causing the patient's arm to jump and her to jump in reaction, my hand stayed rock steady. Couldn't blame me this time! Calm outside, victory dance inside!!

I got to take out a patient's thyroid gland, and then 4 hours later go back in to evacuate a hematoma. Lesson in sticking with my patient, being honest and doing what's right, even if not the easiest option.

I got to cut off a patient's toe.

I got to open up areas of horrible infection. You breath through the mouth and wonder at how patient's can let infections go from bad to worse to festering, foul and dead.

I got to take down a patient's colostomy and hook everything back up again.

I got to cut out part of a patient's stomach. Why anyone would electively decide this is a good decision is beyond me and can not in good conscious ever recommend it to anyone.

Just a few for example..

But today I slept until an army of lawn mowers decided to wake me up. Army, because upon peeking through the blinds at the culprit I saw not one but four riding lawn mowers zooming around and a handful of leaf blowers following behind. I decided to get up and start working on rehydration and laundry.

Much Love.